


Blue Is The Loneliest Color

by IntoTheBlueUnknown



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Eventual Romance, F/F, Incest, Mild Smut, Modern Era, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Elsa (Disney)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 41,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26974396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntoTheBlueUnknown/pseuds/IntoTheBlueUnknown
Summary: Seven years ago, when she was barely 19, she ran away. The reasons she gave were always the same: her ice powers were difficult, and her transition almost more so. However, the truth laid in a third, darker secret. Seven years of running, and Elsa had all but forgotten about that secret. Until one day, the past catches up with her.... Warning: incest.
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Disney), Anna/Elsa (Disney)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 122





	1. Last Call

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! Thank you for reading this! This is my first fanfic. I really hope you enjoy it! I always welcome any constructive criticism or comments!

The dim lights over the bar flickered as the bartender made her way over to the corner where Elsa was sitting. The sad little two-person table looked even sadder with only one seat filled. She barely looked up when the bartender stopped in front of her.

“Last call.” The bartender was curt, clearly ready to just go home. Elsa wordlessly signaled for one more, and the bartender gave her a look as she collected the three empty glasses next to her. Before Elsa even noticed, the bartender was back with another. As usual, it was piss-warm. She waited until the bartender turned her back, then laid a hand on the glass, letting the chill creep out from her core into the glass. Within seconds, it was ice cold.

_ At least it’s drinkable when it’s cold.  _ She glanced at the clock, only now realizing what “last call” meant. 3am wasn’t the latest, but, it sure as hell was late. With oddly graceful movements for how drunk she was, she downed the last glass, threw some bills on the table, and escaped out the side door. She couldn’t remember the last time a night didn’t end like this.

She finally stumbled out of the Uber and up to her apartment at almost four. Through the haze of the alcohol, she was able to find her way into her room and flop down on the bed, even pausing to take her boots off. She stared up at the ceiling, letting the nightly thoughts creep in.  _ You shouldn’t be here. You left them. This isn’t safe. You ran away. You can’t do anything right. You’re just a leech. You have no friends. You can’t trust anyone. _

_ You left her. _

That last thought caught in her throat as the drowsiness overtook her. That was new.

* * *

The morning sun woke her sooner than she was used to.  _ Forgot to close the curtains _ . Groggily, she stood and moved towards the tall windows, but she stopped when something caught her attention. It was the small picture of Anna, taken on her college graduation, that was given to her five years ago. That was the only contact she’d made with her family in the past seven. Currently, it sat in an oval frame on her dresser, just slightly out of sight most of the time. However, she lingered on it, the new thought from last night echoing. 

After a second, something snapped, and she grunted, finally doing what she stood up to do, then falling back on the bed. No more sleep came, though. Her mind had started racing.  _ This is why we don’t think about home. _ She tried to think about something, anything else.  _ That new fashion show is pretty good. Next in Fashion with… that one guy. Less dramatic than Project Runway. Mom really loved that show--nope. That client’s so fucking creepy. He definitely wants to sleep with me. Of course, he’s been spewing transphobia, just like Dad--fuck. Um. I should find a new bar. One with more alcohol in their alcohol. It’s probably just fucking time to move anyways. I’ve already been here a year. God I hate moving. I just.  _

The flame continued to broil inside her. She looked at the clock. Barely two minutes had passed since she tried to go back to sleep.  _ Everything’s just making me ANGRY I just want to UGH I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE _

She bolted out of bed and clumsily strapped on her boots. A quick check in the mirror confirmed her outfit hadn’t changed from the night before: a dark blue cocktail dress, tights, and a leather jacket. The elevator ride was always the worst when bubbling with emotions. After pushing past a hapless janitor in the lobby, she burst onto the streets, orange-tinted by the morning sun. The world always seemed so hopeful in the early mornings. Maybe that’s why she hated waking up before noon. 

Two blocks of walking brought her to an abandoned hospital. She’d scoped this location out basically as soon as she moved here. As soon as it came into view, she could already feel herself cooling off.  _ Nothing like having a place where you can really be alone. _ With a quick glance around, she slid in a back door.

The bright light of the morning sun barely made its way through the windows, and Elsa squinted as she walked briskly through a hallway with doors lining either side.  _ Eight… ten… twelve… here we go. _ The thirteenth door on her right was unlocked. With cautious confidence, she stepped inside the room, revealing little but a decrepit bed and a large hole in the floor. Pushing the bed aside, she grabbed a floodlight and a rope ladder from underneath it. She’d left those there some time ago. 

The ladder let her easily climb down into the hole, leaving her in the pitch black basement. The floodlight took care of that issue, illuminating a very large, very empty room. A few loose large metal panels rested against the far wall. Keeping some distance from them, she set down the floodlight, and moved to the side until she was staring straight at the panels, some fifty feet away. 

She took a deep breath in, and then out. Then, channeling both rage and focus, she let the cold come forward out of herself, into her hand, forming a thick spike made entirely of ice. At that point, she let the anger take over completely, whipping the spike at the metal panels. As soon as the spike made contact, it shattered. Countless shards of ice rained down upon the room. Elsa felt herself smirk and soon another spike was loosed at the panels, again exploding on impact. 

Her anger needed out somehow, and this was the most constructive way she could think of. As she assailed the metal plates with ice, she felt her rage become real, and her thoughts turned to her past. She was angry at her parents.  _ Duh. _ She was angry at her hometown.  _ Who wouldn’t be? _ She was pissed at the world.  _ Everyone should be. _

_ I’m so fucking mad at myself. _

With that new, horrible thought, she threw one last spike, waiting for the impact to shatter her reverie. But the impact didn’t come. The thought burned in her mind for some time before she realized what had happened. 

The spike had ripped through the metal plates and embedded itself in the wall.


	2. A Friend

Her head was spinning as she rode the elevator back up. 

That normally didn’t happen after going to the hospital. That was supposed to  _ clear _ her head, make her feel better, process her feelings. Get some anger out. Honestly, she was feeling worse. The spike embedding itself in the wall, and even worse, the horrible sinking feeling that she had that thought for a reason, made her stomach churn.  _ God. I need coffee. _

She thought about making some, looked around her nearly empty kitchen, then decided to just go to Starbucks. Back outside it is.

By that time, the morning rush had died down, so Elsa was able to find herself a nice secluded corner. Talking to people wasn’t her strong suit. Or even her weak suit. It didn’t really suit her at all. She was doing her absolute best to bury herself in the corner, the coffee, and her thoughts.

Suddenly, something out of the corner of her eye caught her attention. She looked up and her heart stopped. A golden orange tuft of hair reminded her of someone, and one person only: her sister. She could feel the anxiety physically start to clump in her stomach, and her throat start to close up. Her brain, formerly filled with swirling, unknown feelings, gave way to a white hot panic.  _ Wuhhhh…. Buhhhhhh. Words….. What do I say what do I say please don’t look at me i can’t do this _

Before she knew what was happening, the person with the golden orange hair turned, revealing the face of a stranger. The white hot panic gave way to a dullness. She breathed in deeply, then out. It was okay. She was okay.  _ Would rather not deal with that one like that. _ What relief she felt, however, was tempered by pangs of sadness. 

With caffeine in her system and the sun finally past the midpoint of the sky, Elsa was ready to start her day. Fortunately, it was a Saturday. Work would definitely not get done regardless. Before she could even start to think, her pocket buzzed. It was Kristoff. 

> k: hey uh were we like. gonna chill
> 
> k: because like
> 
> k: havent heard from u in ages
> 
> e: shit! sorry
> 
> e: yes!
> 
> e: when did u wanna hang
> 
> k: i was uh. expectin u an hr ago
> 
> k: but maybe i should know not 2 expect u on time
> 
> e: …...i am so sorry ill b right over

_ Shit. I can’t believe I completely forgot. _ She started to quietly berate herself for fucking up with basically her only friend. For the twentieth time.  _ God, no wonder I don’t have friends.  _

_ I’m really fucking mad at myself. _

She balked, trying to grab the thought before it flew away again. She was used to the usual spate of self-deprecation, but this new one stung in a way the others didn’t. If only she could grab ahold of the thought. Then she could wrestle with it, process it, work through it. That had always been harder than it seemed, though. Thoughts just don’t stick around long enough. 

Someone bumped into her shoulder, and she whipped around, ready to do horrendous violence at whoever had woken her from her introspection. However, there was only a crowd of backs, impossible to know who’d almost run her over. She just shook her head.  _ I need to go to Kristoff’s. Poor guy. _

_ Poor guy for trying to be friends with me. _

* * *

“Hey, you actually made it! I was startin’ to think I wasn’t gonna see you today,” Kristoff said as he opened the door with a huge smile. “Never know with you.”

Elsa gave a forced laugh. “I’m mysterious. It’s a part of my charm.”

Kristoff chuckled back. “No, I think it just makes people stop inviting you to things.”

_ Christ. That hurts. _ “Hey, it’s too early in the morning to read me for filth.”

“It’s… two pm?” Kristoff seemed honestly confused.

“...nevermind. How’ve ya been, big guy?”

They both plopped onto Kristoff’s nice couch. Elsa glanced around the room, noting his nice TV, nice carpet, nice shelves… The whole place was nice.  _ Your place could look like this. If you cared. _

“I’ve been alright. Insurance ain’t the most fun thing in the world, but I’m fine with it.”

“Insurance? What are you, fifty?”

“I-Its not that bad!!” he stammered. “I like it. I’m only 27!!”

“Shit, you’re older than me.” Elsa sighed. “Glad to hear you’re doing well, though.”

“Yeah, life’s been worse. Started dating this cute redhead named Ana, too.”

A jolt went down Elsa’s spine. The white hot panic started to return. “ _ Who? _ ” she asked, maybe a little too forcefully.

Kristoff seemed a little scared as he answered. “A-Ana Johnsen. She lives d-down the street, w-we met at the gym. A-N-A,” he added quickly, as if he were reading Elsa’s mind.

The panic began to dissipate as she realized no, this was not her sister. She realized she was leaning aggressively at Kristoff, and she slumped back into the couch. 

“What… Elsa, what was that about?” There was real concern in his voice. The sweet boy.

Elsa tried to find some sort of excuse, coming up empty. “Nothing. It was nothing. Sorry. I should go.”

“What? No, Els-”

She was already out the door.


	3. Broken Cycles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for marijuana use in this chapter

_ No, no, no no no no. No, no, no. Absolutely not. Now is not the time to retread that ground. The ideal time to do that is never. Not thinking about that.  _ She looked at her phone. Barely past three. That’s an acceptable time to get drunk, right?  _ Right? _ It wasn’t. She knew that.  _ Maybe I can get blazed out of my mind.  _

She soon found herself back in her apartment, digging in a kitchen cupboard for the pouch that helped when alcohol couldn’t. And then, she was in the back alley, lighting up her little pink and blue pipe. The world around her dulled, and the massive knot of tangled emotions faded from her immediate vision. Everything was going to be okay. 

And then all of a sudden it was six pm and she was in her apartment, glued to the couch with leftover buffalo wings. She didn’t even really like watching HGTV, it was just what was on. This one asshole really wanted the goddamn country home, but his wife wanted to live closer to work, and  _ god is that really the kind of problems normal people have?  _

And then all of a sudden it was nine and she was screaming bloody murder at League, the second most constructive way she could think of to deal with her anger.  _ This isn’t very healthy _ . She ignored the thought and went back to heckling her useless teammates. She was definitely starting to sober up. When her team lost for the third game in a row, she kicked the computer’s power button and got in the elevator.

And then all of a sudden it was midnight and she was at the bar. A new bar this time, too; slightly shinier and slightly less shitty than the last one. Some guy with an acoustic was playing folk songs on a barely risen stage off to the side. There weren’t really any corner tables she could hide herself in, so she quietly sat down at the very end of the bar. It took the bartender a few minutes to even notice her presence.

“And for you?”

“Beer. Whatever’s on tap.”

The walk over had sobered her up, but in less than an hour, she was anything but. At some point, the bartender slid up to her, absentmindedly cleaning a glass.

“Y’know, I ain’t never seen a skinny bitch like you knock back this much juice,” she said with a Southern drawl. “Celebratin’ or commiseratin’?”

Elsa looked up from her glass for the first time that night. The bartender had short, spiky black hair, dark eyeshadow, and a lip piercing. Normally, Elsa didn’t talk to strangers. However, she was drunk enough to lower that barrier for a moment. “Uh. The latter,” she said awkwardly. “Nothing specific, though.”

The bartender chuckled. “Five beers’n an hour ain’t no normal numb the pain shit. You got somethin’ special hurtin’ ya.”

Elsa started to feel the anger rise up.  _ Who does this bitch think she is? _ “Excuse me?” was the only thing that came out.

The bartender put up her hands defensively. “Sorry, I shouldn’t pry. Ya just… remind me of myself.”

Elsa was seeing red. The glass she was holding was beginning to ice over. “Hey, go fuck yourself.”  _ That was calmer than I thought I could manage. _

“Aight, aight. Sorry for givin’ a shit.” Elsa quietly thanked herself for being too drunk to start a scene. 

Another hour or two passed. The guy on stage had stopped playing and they were piping in garbage alt-country. The people started to thin out, with only the sad drinkers remaining. Elsa didn’t keep a running count, but she was pretty sure she’d outdrunk everyone at the bar. Including, possibly, her own personal record. The meaningless accomplishment soon gave way to a hollow loneliness. It was always strange to feel alone around people. 

She surveyed the crowd, now down to less than twenty. Few were really talking to each other, save for ordering the next round. She spotted the guy who was playing earlier, talking to an older guy in a baseball cap. The security guard had passed out in his chair. A girl with a golden orange tuft of hair was conversing with a taller man. The bartender was closing out tabs. A couple of businessmen across from her at the bar were speaking in low voices.

_ Wait. _

Her eyes turned to the golden orange tuft of hair again, and the person attached to it. Once again, the white hot panic ripped through her, but she took a deep breath in, and then out. It wasn’t Anna. It was probably just that girl from earlier. Or any number of other girls with red poofy hair. She felt the white hot-ness of the panic start to melt into normal colors again.

Until the girl turned her head. The moment Elsa realized she was wrong, any sense of color disappeared.


	4. The Note

Elsa desperately grasped for anything. A thought, an emotion, even a negative one, but all she found was white nothingness. Time slowed to a crawl. Even her breath stopped. Eventually, she was able to find a single impulse in the white hot nothingness:  _ Run. _ Her answer to everything. She could feel her muscles start to tense up; her eyes scanned the room for exits. Her body was on autopilot. 

As quietly as she could, she pulled a couple twenties out of her purse, slipped them onto the counter, and stood up. She was, at this point, pretty good at staying inconspicuous, despite her almost luminescent hair. That certainly didn’t mean it felt that way in the moment. Adrenaline still gripping her, every second stretched into a full minute, and she was sure her sister-- _ oh god that is absolutely her-- _ would look up to see her any moment.

To her surprise, she reached the door and pushed through without being noticed. The cool late night air was refreshing, and Elsa finally allowed herself a breath. She knew she couldn’t stop, though. She had to get home. She had to move.  _ I needed to move anyway, _ she thought.  _ Poor Kristoff. I’ll miss him. _

She had just started down the sidewalk when the door burst open. A taller man, dressed largely in white, stepped out urgently, head looking both ways. Spotting Elsa, he made a quick couple strides over to her. “Excuse me? Miss?”

Elsa spared a glance backwards at him, but kept walking. The man waited for a second, then sprung to keep pace with her. 

“Excuse me, miss. I don’t want to bother you-”

“Well you are,” she cut in. 

The man plowed on. “-but the lady I’m travelling with insisted I give you this.”

He shoved a folded scrap of paper into her face. She ignored it and tried to walk faster, but the man was somehow able to keep pace. She was almost running.

“Please, this is very important to her.  _ You’re  _ very important to her.”

In an instant, she stopped and turned. “Leave. Now.” Blood red rage. 

“But-”

She swiped the paper out of his hands and took off again, leaving the man confused. Even in her drunken, panicked haze, anger was not too difficult to come by. Once she was sure the man wasn’t following her, she slowed, dizzy and exhausted. She wasn’t certain she went the right way, but that wasn’t the most important thing.  _ How did she find me? _ The overwhelming colors had subsided enough for real, actual thoughts to bubble to the surface. 

“....how….” she exhaled with a breath. Then, before she could brace herself, she threw up.

* * *

_ Ugh. This isn’t the most embarrassing Uber I’ve ever taken, but it’s close.  _ She looked down at her vomit-stained jeans.  _ Maybe fourth worst. _

“Rough night, huh?”

_ Ah shit, he’s talkative. Third worst. _ “Yuh.” Barely a grunt of affirmation.

“You look like you seen a ghost.”

She actually laughed. “You don’t know the half of it.”

The man chuckled with her. “Care to indulge an old man?”

Somehow, she was too drunk or too vulnerable to put up the defenses. “My sister,” she slurred. “Thought I’d never see her again.”

“Family, eh?” the man mused. “That’ll sure do it. Was it you or them?”

The defensive part of her started to scream, but before she could, the words tumbled out of her mouth. “Them. And me. Plenty of both. I guess. But mostly me. It was all me.” Her logical brain could only watch in horror. “Being around them any longer would’ve only made things worse.” She was… starting to cry? “I needed to… protect them.” Her voice became very quiet. “...from me.”

“What was that, miss?” asked the driver.

Realizing what she had said, her defenses took over. “Uhhh… nothing. Sorry. Nevermind.” 

There was an awkward pause.

“Are you sure, miss? I-”

“Hey actually wait let me out here!” she blurted. “Th-this is my house!”

“What?” The man was taken aback. “But we’re still a mile and a half from-”

“Yes I’m sure! I just...messed up because I was drunk, sorry! Thank you!” She was out the door before the car even stopped moving.  _ Fuck. I guess we’re walking the last… ten blocks. _ She took a couple deep breaths in, and then out.

_ What a horrid night. _

It was late enough that even most bars were closed, and the city streets felt dead, save for the occasional car. The always-on streetlights and constantly blinking digital signs that littered the streets gave enough light for it to feel like an early fall evening. Searching for a distraction, she looked up towards the high-rises, full of people and relationships and dreams. In that moment, she felt forever outside that life, dreaming of a way in. A way for everything to just be normal, so she could be one of those people with relationships and dreams, not just some freak on the run from everyone including her own family.

_ Why did you do that _ _? _

She couldn’t really answer that. The night sky provided no answers.

“...fuck.” 

_ I needed to. _

“What do you MEAN you needed to??” She was screaming out loud at nobody in particular. At herself.

_ Any port in a storm. _

“What the fuck does that mean??” She had stopped by the abandoned hospital. Her feet carried her inside without her command. The dark hallways and decaying equipment felt almost more like home than her apartment. She dropped down into the basement and set the floodlight. 

Her hands found the note, stuffed into her back pocket.  _ There’s no way I’m reading that.  _ For some reason, they were steady as they brought the note into her field of view.  _ Please. I can’t do this. _ She was already unfolding it. The tears came before she even read the words.

> Elsa,
> 
> Please call me. I miss you.
> 
> Love,
> 
> Your sister <3
> 
> 555-214-3286


	5. Violet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That M rating's starting to be relevant :) :)
> 
> CW incest

Anna looked at her older sister from the doorway, her eyes full of fire. The soft curves of her tiny body were hidden only by a bathrobe and a sheer pink pair of panties. She was leaning up against the frame, letting a hint of her perky breasts peep through the opening in the robe. 

The chill that went down Elsa’s spine played double duty by stealing her breath as well. She felt her face flush with warmth. One hand gripped the bedsheets tighter, while the other found its way between her legs, feeling the growing wetness. She bit her lip, feeling the brilliant golden yellow of desire well up within her.

One blink, and then Anna was beside her on the bed, hand in hand, staring into each other’s eyes. Elsa’s every nerve burned. Some part of her mind was screaming incoherently, but it was too far away to matter. Nothing else mattered. The touch of her sister sent electricity surging through her, amplifying the already aching desire. 

Elsa closed her eyes again and then Anna was against her, naked skin making contact with naked skin. Any of the barriers Elsa thought she’d put up were nowhere to be found. She slowly opened her eyes. Anna mouthed a tender “I love you”, then brought her lips against Elsa’s. She sank into her sister’s embrace, losing herself in the kiss. It started soft and gentle, loving, but eventually it became more and more intense, arms wrapping around each other, squeezing to get closer than they already were. Elsa bit into Anna’s lip, and Anna growled, shifting on top of Elsa. She felt a knee slide between her thighs, and she gasped. Anna just gave her a devious grin. They dug into each other, harder, even more intense, nails, biting, grinding--

The ring of her phone snapped her rudely out of the dream. She blinked and looked around. At first, the room looked unfamiliar, but she realized she’d apparently only made it to the couch. Taking a deep breath in, she tried to sit up.  _ Nope. Gonna vomit. _ With all the grace of a melting snowman, she tried to stand, made a single stride, then collapsed to the floor. She threw up right after, just to ice the cake.

“Fuck… My ass…” she gasped between sticky, gross breaths. Once again, she tried to sit up. It was only then that she noticed the note from last night, damp from the ice it was half-encased in. At that, her stomach lurched, and she braced herself for more.

_ That really did happen. _

The phone was still ringing, but neither that nor the puddle of vomit seemed to matter. 

_ Anna is here. She found me. _

The white hot started to rise again, but she pushed it down as much as she could.

_ I’m really starting to get tired of the white. _

“Okay,” she said out loud. “I’m going to clean this up. Then I will see who called.” Even with her voice breaking the silence, it took her a minute to actually stand. She was still a little wobbly, but eventually she made her way to the kitchen, getting some cleaning supplies and even putting on a pot of coffee.  _ Well, a thing in the Keurig anyway. Not sure if that counts. _

One good vomit-clean later, she checked her phone to find a number she didn’t recognize, with the caller ID showing one of her oldest friends: one Miss Scam Likely. So there was no need to worry about that.  _ No excuse to distract myself.  _ She let herself take a glance at the note.

The melting ice had blurred the writing, but the number ( _ and the heart, dammit _ ) were still clearly legible. This wasn’t the first time her family had tried to contact her. They were usually so easy to blow off.  _ Mom and Dad never did get it. If they didn’t understand the ice, they sure as hell were never going to understand the genders. Or the… _ she felt her face get red hot.  _ They’d never understand. Not even Anna. _

_ Even though she did understand the ice. And the genders.  _

A feeling passed through her heart that she hadn’t felt in half a decade. A violet color she hadn’t seen in years. She found herself walking to the bedroom, right in front of her dresser. Right in front of the picture of Anna. Picking the picture up, she gazed at her younger sister, the warmth of the violet growing.  _ It’s the same color as the last time I saw her. _

_ Why is this happening now? _ She barely had time to contemplate the question before tears started to well up in her eyes, the warm violet giving way to cold blue. She fumbled the picture back onto the dresser and turned, pushing her way out of the apartment. Yet again she found her legs moving on their own, propelled by pure emotion and instinct.  _ Hospital it is, _ she thought.  _ The place to go to feel better. _ Somehow, she knew it wouldn’t be enough, but she clambered down into the dark basement nonetheless.

The ice came without thinking. Her thoughts flowed like a river, formless and ever-changing, each one punctuated with a spike.  _ How did she find me? Why did I run? Who was that man? Why did everyone hate me? Why does everyone hate me? Why does she want to find me? Was I not diligent enough in covering my tracks? Does she want to put me in danger? Does she even love me anymore? _

Soon, the thoughts all drifted away with the river, and once there were no thoughts left, the memories came rushing in.


	6. Memory I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's flashback time!!!! I'm pretty happy with this chapter actually.

~~Five Years Ago~~

_ Knock knock.  _ “Hello?” came a muffled voice from behind the door.

_ What the fuck? I’m not supposed to have visitors. _ “Um… who is it?” Elsa tentatively asked, moving towards the door.

“It’s, uh…” the voice started, and immediately Elsa knew. “It’s your sister.”

She stopped, frozen in place. Somehow, the shock of it all kept the panic at bay. The garbage action movie she was half-watching kept playing in the background. Elsa searched for words, but had none.

“I’ve uh, came a long way,” Anna said, still locked out. “It would be nice if I could come in out of the cold. You were pretty hard to find.”

Elsa’s instincts were not as finely tuned as they would come to be. After some stumbling, Elsa squeaked out an “uh… sure” and moved to open the door.  _ Clearly, you didn’t think this through. _

Anna’s adorable face hit her with the force of a sledgehammer. Her baby sister was 18-- _ No, wait, 19 actually-- _ all grown up. She felt her brain short circuit.

“Sis? You there?”

Elsa shook her head and tried to compose herself. “Yeah. Yes, I just. I haven’t seen you since you were 16.”

Anna smiled. “Yeah, and you were only 19. Such an awkward teenager.”

Elsa actually laughed.  _ Maybe this will be okay. _

“And now look at you, you’ve grown into a beautiful woman.” Anna wore a genuine smile on her face.

_ Nope. Nevermind.  _ She felt her cheeks go red. 

“Anyways! It’s really good to see you!!” Anna said excitedly, apparently not noticing. The younger girl pushed past her into the apartment. “Gosh, it’s cold in here. I guess you like it cold, huh?”

Elsa, still reeling from the multiple shocks, could only nod in agreement. 

Anna, finally noticing that her sister had said almost nothing, stopped. “Hey. I’m sorry. I know you’re hard to find because you don’t want to be found. And like, I get it. Well, really, I don’t get it, but I don’t have to get it to know it’s what you want, and that’s okay, I want you to have what you want, and I know I’m kind of barging in like this, and I’ll leave right away I promise, but anyways, I came to give you this.” After she’d stopped her rambling, Anna dug in her bag for a second, eventually producing a small oval photo of herself in a black robe and cap. “It’s from my high school graduation. You… weren’t there.”

_ That… fucking hurts.  _

“So I just wanted to give you this. So I knew you wouldn’t forget me.”

That was almost too much. Elsa started to feel the tears flow. 

“...i-i’m sorry.” She managed in the smallest voice she had.

“What?” Anna looked concerned. “Elsa, are you okay?”

“I’m sorry,” she gasped right before the tears came. 

“Oh my god, Elsa!” Anna darted over to her sister as she knelt down, crying. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Elsa could only sob. She felt the gentle arms of her baby sister wrap around her shoulders, and she leaned in. Anna was so soft and tender, Elsa could hardly bear it.    
  
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” cooed Anna. “Let it all out. You can tell me what’s wrong later.”

They sat there on the floor for what felt like an hour, Elsa sobbing quietly and Anna holding her tight. Eventually, Elsa whispered through stuttered breaths, “Please stay.”

Anna’s smile would have melted a glacier. “Anything for you.”

* * *

Once Elsa had gotten herself cleaned up, the two sat down to catch up on the past two years. To her surprise, as they got into it, Elsa started to settle back into the feeling of having Anna around almost immediately. It felt… normal again. Even good.

“...and after that fiasco, I joined the gymnastics team, and ended up taking bronze in the floor routine at State senior year.”

“You were always much more athletic than me.”

“That’s ‘cuz it’s fun! You should try it sometime, get your ass outside now and then.” Anna stretched, mostly to show off her toned arms, but Elsa couldn’t help stealing a look at her curves. “Take care of your body.”

_ She’s definitely grown. In all the right places. _ “Hey! I take care of myself!”

Anna laughed. “Well, let’s see,” she said, trouncing over to the fridge. “Leftover Chinese food, a block of cheese, leftover Taco Bell-- _ how _ , Nutella, half a loaf of bread… you know Nutella doesn’t need to be refrigerated, right?”

“I do!” defended Elsa. “I just… like how it tastes cold.”

“Whatever. Hey, there’s a nice bottle of wine in here!”

“Oh, um, yeah. I was saving that. For tonight, actually.” 

Anna frowned jokingly. “I don’t think you’re supposed to drink a whole one of these by yourself. Wanna split it?”

Alarm bells started going off in Elsa’s head, but she decided to ignore them.  _ It  _ is _ a special occasion. _ “Aren’t you only 19?”

The younger sister laughed. “Oh,  _ you’re _ gonna moralize at me?”

“I’m just saying, if the cops show up, I didn’t give you any alcohol.”

Anna returned to the couch with two wine glasses and the bottle, setting a glass in front of Elsa. “Stop being paranoid and let’s enjoy the night, dummy.”

They sipped wine and talked for hours, with an endless march of made-for-TV movies providing a low background noise. It felt so natural to Elsa. Almost like she’d never left. Every so often, Anna would say or do something adorable, and that  _ color  _ would rise up within Elsa again, that warm violet. But every time, she would stomp it back down. That one could never come out. It was part of why she ran in the first place. It scared her.

“So why did you leave, anyway?”

The question was a knife to the heart. In an instant, any illusion of normalcy, of okayness, was shattered, and the white hot panic had returned.  _ Fuck. I can’t do this. _

“...It’s a long story.”

“Oooookay…” said Anna. “I’ve got time.”

“I’d rather not.” She downed the rest of her glass.

“Um… is everything okay?” asked Anna tentatively. “You just kinda got all…”

“Cold?” Elsa snapped. 

“...I was gonna say quiet,” Anna finished timidly. 

Elsa shook her head. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want to talk about it.”  _ Whoa. I’m… a little more drunk than I thought. _

The younger sister was quiet for a second. Elsa was grateful that Anna seemed to be dropping it, until…

“Well what if  _ I  _ need to know!” Anna shouted. 

Elsa couldn’t say anything.

“I need to know why you disappeared, without warning, in the middle of the night! I need to know why you thought you had to go to the ends of the earth to escape from your family! I need to know why you didn’t so much as leave a god damn note!” There were tears in her eyes. Behind the anger was a sadness so palpable even drunk Elsa could read it clear as day. 

After a few shallow breaths, Anna dropped her voice from a shout to a plead. “I need to know why you  _ left me, _ Elsa.”

“I…” Elsa stumbled. “I can’t tell you.” The whiteness was overwhelming now, leaving her with naught but her usual impulse.  _ Run. _ Her eyes scanned the room for exits, even though she knew her apartment only had the front door.

“Why the fuck not?!” The anger had returned to her sister's voice.

Elsa was starting to feel her anger bubble up as well, and she stood up.  _ Why couldn’t she have just left that subject alone? Things were going so well! _ “Because! I can’t even really tell you why I can’t tell you, so just forget it, okay?”

Anna stood up as well. “Abso-fucking-lutely not! I sure as hell didn’t come all this way just to give you a stupid picture of myself! We have smartphones!” They were both screaming at a fever pitch.

“Well I’m sorry, you put all that effort in, but I can’t tell you! And you’re just going to have to live with that!”

The younger sister paused and stepped back, realizing that wasn’t working. “Please,” she said, tears in her eyes again. “I’m going to ask one more time, and then I’ll go.” Her voice was quiet and trembling. “I’m your sister. You can trust me with anything. I just want to know why you left without even telling me.”

_ Shit. Fuck. _ She had left in the middle of the night to avoid this very conversation. She couldn’t bear to look her sister in the eyes. The next line would devastate Anna. “...There are things I can’t even trust you with.”

Elsa wasn’t looking, but she knew exactly the expression her sister wore. The silence between them confirmed her worst fears, stretching on for aeons. Eventually, Anna spoke.

“Okay.” Very quiet, completely defeated. Elsa’s heart broke. She wanted to turn around, take her sister’s soft, delicate hands, and tell her everything. Why she was scared. Why she ran away. How she  _ really _ felt. Tension hung thick in the air, both sisters waiting for someone to break it, both hoping Elsa would take it back and explain it all.

But that didn’t come. Elsa couldn’t move. She was sure Anna could hear her heart pounding out of her chest, could sense the tone in her voice, and know that she  _ wanted _ to crack. Anna waited as long as she could handle, knowing her older sister was ready to burst. In the end, though, neither said another word. Elsa’s entire body screamed at her to say  _ something _ , anything, or even just to give her sister one last look.

After the door had closed, after Anna had stepped out of the apartment, after it was far too late, Elsa whispered, “I hope you can forgive me someday.”


	7. Next Right Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back! I moved so I haven't had much time to upload, but now I'm tackling this for Nanowrimo, so hopefully I'll be updating more regularly!

~~Present Day~~

Elsa stared up at the decrepit ceiling. It was quiet, save for the regular  _ drip _ sound of melting ice. Every now and then, her body would vibrate with a desperate sob, followed by quick breaths to push it all back down. The dirty concrete of the basement floor was cold, even for her. At some point, she had turned the floodlight off, leaving her in almost complete darkness. Even surrounded by black, though, all she could feel was blue.

That memory had only reared its ugly head once previously, a few months after it occurred. Elsa had moved cities ( _ states, actually _ ) and was hiding out in a small country town in the Midwest. She had finally adjusted to some semblance of regularity again, when on a random Wednesday night, the memory flashed, leaving her inconsolable for days. She sought ever greater solitude, becoming completely remote for her work, having groceries delivered, not leaving the house for days on end.

_ That clearly didn’t work, _ she reflected, sniffling. The sadness welled up inside, but she kept her core strong, pushing it back down. There wasn’t time to sit here sobbing.  _ I have loose ends to tie up before I move. If possible, I should get out of the country.  _ Even though she was rarely able to, she tried her best to keep focus on the logistics of leaving. But her mind kept wandering.

To Anna.

The pitch blackness made it easier for her mind’s eye to picture her grown-up baby sister, the almost unfamiliar woman she spotted in the bar. Her slim figure, matured into gorgeous curves. That intoxicating red silk she calls hair. And of course, her adorable face, still her baby sister even after all these years. Elsa subconsciously bit her lip. She wondered what it would be like to help her sister out of that forest green dress, revealing her tiny freckled shoulders and, eventually, her soft, perky breasts. A wanton sigh escaped her lips. She imagined kissing down the curve of her neck, softly, gently, nibbling here and there, feeling her sister tense up beneath her. The warm violet started to slowly seep in, filling up the corners of her heart she didn’t know still existed.

She felt her hand reaching down between her legs, and she tried to stop herself.  _ Don’t! This is what got us in trouble in the first place. _ Her breathing grew more shallow.  _ This is bad. This is very bad. _ But another part of her wondered why. Her hand slipped inside her pants, finding that her panties were already damp. Thank god for bottom surgery.  _ This…  _ she paused. She could feel herself tipping.  _ This… can’t be wrong… if it feels this good…  _

The violet overcame her, almost overwhelming her, as her fingers snuck inside her panties, caressing herself. She let out a muffled squeak, which sank into a low moan when she realized she was alone. Her fingers slid inside herself as she opened her eyes, feeling as though she could see Anna above her, hunger in her baby sister’s eyes. 

Elsa came immediately, curling almost into the fetal position as waves rippled throughout her entire body. Gasps and moans she wasn’t conscious of echoed through the empty, dirty, ice-coated basement. All she could feel was Anna, the warm violet feeling she gave her, the intense affection that laid dormant for years. When it was finally over, she was left panting, heart full of color, struggling to understand what had just happened. 

_ I… _ she started but couldn’t finish. She sat up slowly, shaking her head. Echoes of negative thoughts danced in her head.  _ You fucked up. You’re sick. You need to leave.  _ This was bad, she knew that, this is not something to indulge. And yet--all she could feel was warmth. A longing filled her that she hadn’t felt in years. Logic and emotions clashed, and Elsa could feel herself start to tear up. 

The emotions overwhelmed her to the point where she couldn’t tell what they were. The colors bled together into harsh black. Her body, unable to contain the colors, burst out crying. The room grew colder as she wailed. The warm purple, moments ago driving her every move, faded into a dark, dim blue. After a short while, her tears started to freeze on her cheeks, stinging her skin. Her sobs echoed through the dark basement, eventually finding their way back to her, confirming what she already felt.

Elsa laid on the icy floor for an unknowable amount of time. The joyous high and devastating crash were too much for her to handle, so she didn’t. After the tears had gone, she continued to lay, allowing her thoughts to whip by like she was standing in the middle of a highway. One of them even made her chuckle a little bit.  _ How’d Anna ruin my life without even speaking to me? _ But that thought too was soon gone, and she was left with needing to take the next right step. Seeing no other options, she started again to turn to the one escape she always had: Run. 

Through sheer force of will, she made herself stand up, trying to just take the next right step. Climbing out of the hole, she made her way to her apartment, getting into the elevator. The short, silent ride only let her emotions dance wilder. This wasn’t the first time she had moved, however, and her routine was ingrained, starting immediately when she entered the apartment. Grab purse from the hangar in the hall. Key left on the counter. Kitchen to grab a week’s worth of food, just in case. Bedroom to pack clothes…

She stopped in front of the dresser, the small picture of Anna at her high school graduation staring directly at her. The warm violet poked its way into her chest. _She was the only one who didn’t see me as a freak._ A slow smile spread across Elsa’s face as she felt the violet grow. Her finger delicately traced Anna’s cheek. _She was the only one I missed._ _God, I still miss her._ And then something clicked. She remembered the note that was sitting on her coffee table. 

_ She was the only one who really loved me. _

Picking up the note, her breath caught in her throat. It took her a second to find her purse, long enough for the doubts to spring back up. She wasn’t stopping, though. The fuel she was burning was pure emotion. 

_ Maybe she still does. _

Trembling, unable to believe what she was doing, she dialed Anna’s number.


	8. Been A While

“Hello? Who is it?” Her sister’s soft, sweet voice carried an urgent, almost desperate tone. 

Elsa couldn’t make a sound. Her instincts had carried her this far, but they drew a blank when it came to actual words. 

“...hello?” The tone became slightly sadder. 

Realizing that she had less than a second to make a decision, she started with the most inoffensive greeting she could think of. “Um… Hey.”

The voice on the other end gasped. There was a pause, but eventually: “...Elsa?”

_ You’re gonna need to say more than just hey. _ “Yeah. It’s me.”

She could barely hear, but she was sure that Anna uttered a “ _ holyshit _ ” under her breath. “Elsa! Hi! Uhhh… It’s… been a while,” she started.

_ As awkward and adorable as ever. This was a bad idea. _ “It has,” Elsa affirmed.

“Well it’s so good to finally talk to you!” There was a forced excitement in her voice that was masking something else. “I uh, kinda didn’t think that I’d hear from you.”

“Y-yeah, I… I wasn’t expecting it either,” Elsa said.  _ Yup. This was a horrible idea. What are you even saying right now? _ “So, uh… How… are you?”  _ How are you??? You haven’t seen her in five years and that’s what you start with? _

“I’m, uh, good,” Anna stammered unconvincingly. “H-how ‘bout you?”

“I’m...fine.”  _ You sound like you’re being held at gunpoint. This is your  _ sister _. It’s going to be okay. _ “How’s Mom and Dad?” she asked, trying to sound more natural.

The other end went dead silent. Elsa feared the call dropped, or her phone broke, or something. After a second, she checked: “...hello?”

What came was a very small voice. “...you don’t know.”  _ Don’t… know? _ “Of course you don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” Elsa asked, a hint of worry cutting through.

Anna cleared her throat. Her voice carried more gravity than Elsa knew she could muster. “Mom and Dad are dead.” 

Of everything she thought might happen in this conversation, this was near the very bottom of the list. All she could do was whisper: “...what?”

“They died,” Anna said, clearly choking back emotions. “In a car crash. Only a couple weeks after I visited you.” There was definitely sadness and loss, but Elsa could read a palpable anger between the lines. 

“I…” she started, but found no end. 

“It’s in the past. I’d rather not dwell on it right now.”

Elsa was surprised. She had not known Anna to steel herself like this. Even though she had never been too close with her parents, it still hurt to know they were gone. Worse, it hurt more powerfully to know that she didn’t know they were dead for five years. Guilt poured into her heart, grey and heavy.

Anna’s guard dropped a little. “Anyways. Like I said, I didn’t think you’d actually call. I really missed you, Elsa.”

The love emanating from that statement, from the way she said Elsa’s name, even after all these years, nearly made Elsa cry on the spot. “I’ve missed you too, Anna.” _ More than you will ever know. _

A silence passed between them again, but this time, it was filled with love.  _ A warm violet I don’t get from anywhere else. _ Suddenly, Anna spoke.

“It would mean a lot if I could see you in person.”

That familiar white panic started to cover her vision. Seeing Anna in person?  _ Are you  _ kidding _ me? _ This conversation was going haywire in multiple different ways.

“I just--I want to talk to you. For real.” Elsa said nothing. “I know, I know, you have this whole running away thing going on. Apparently it’s been working pretty well, given that, y’know, I couldn’t even find you to tell you our parents died.” Her words pierced Elsa’s heart like an icicle. “I know you’re running for a reason. People don’t run just because. Whatever you’re running from, I promise, it doesn’t matter to me.”  _ But it does, it does in ways you can never know. _ “I just want my sister back.”

That was almost too much for Elsa to bear. She pulled the phone away from her head, starting to feel her breaths stick in her throat. Though she could scarcely admit it to herself, much less anyone else, she desperately wanted her sister back too. The light from her childhood. Her partner in crime. The only one she had ever truly loved.

Anna.

“Elsa? Are you still there?” The voice was timid, betraying her projected confidence. 

Elsa’s brain was swirling with colors. It was a bad idea beyond all bad ideas to meet with her sister in person. The logical part of her pleaded with her emotions.  _ I cannot do this. I’ve done what I had to before. It will just be a repeat of last time. You will survive. _ Her emotions fired back, stronger than they’d been at any point in the past seven years.  _ The only time the blue goes away is when it turns into violet.  _ In a moment of weakness, she pictured her sister’s face, the poof of red hair, the smile and laugh that makes her melt.

“I’d like that.”

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she heard a gasp from the other end of the line. “For real?” Anna asked with genuine excitement. 

“For real.”  _ You fucking idiot. _

“I…I don’t even know what to say!” exclaimed Anna. “I thought I’d never see you again!”

_ I thought so too, but we don’t always get what we want. _ “Did you have a place in mind?”

“Um, not really. I mean, I don’t really know this city. I just got here a couple days ago, so I was maybe hoping--”

“We could get coffee?” asked Elsa.  _ Somewhere public. Please. At the very least. _ The remnants of her logic brain begged her.

“I was hoping we could go somewhere a little less… busy.” Anna was clearly disappointed by the suggestion.

“The river, then,” Elsa blurted before she knew what she was saying.  _ No! That’s the opposite of public! _ “Hallan river. Supposedly it has quite the legacy.”

“Are you gonna need some time to get ready? How does four sound?” Anna had a dogged excitement she was barely concealing. 

Not even knowing what time it currently was, Elsa replied with a yes. Seconds later, they had hung up, and she realized three things at the same time.

One, she hadn’t gotten any sleep since last night. Two, she felt mourning for her parents. And three, she was seeing her sister face-to-face for the first time in five years. Feeling more lost than she’d ever been, she took out her phone and did something she’d never done before: called Kristoff first.


	9. Hail Mary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more for today! it gets reaaaal heavy from here on out ahahaha

“Hey, I came as soon as I could, is everything okay?”

He really did, it barely took him ten minutes. Elsa hardly had time to sit down and catch her breath.

“Because like, I  _ never _ hear from you. And you sounded sad, which is pretty normal honestly, but like, sadder than normal.”

_ He came immediately. Just because you said you needed help.  _ “It means a lot, Kristoff. Really.”  _ You’ve never done this for him. Or anyone else, for that matter. _

“So what on earth is going on? I was hanging out with Sven and even he could tell something was up.”

_ He was spending time with someone else and he came?  _ Elsa berated herself.  _ Why do people do this? Why are they nice to me? _ She realized she needed to say something, but didn’t know how much to reveal, or even where to start.

“So I’m… meeting up with someone. Later today.”  _ There’s a start. _

“Meeting up with someone? Are you…” A slow smile spread across his face. “Do you have a date?”

Elsa nearly choked. Her eyes widened.  _ No, this would not be a date. _ This was meeting her estranged sister for the first time in five years. It would not be fun, nor lighthearted, nor passionate. She almost wanted to scream at Kristoff for getting it so dead wrong. No, this would not be a date, but… Elsa allowed herself, dared herself, to hope, for the first time in forever. She couldn’t put her finger on why, but something about the notion of this being a date injected possibilities into her head she’d never previously thought reasonable. She felt a slow blush paint itself over her face, and she turned away to hide it.

“No. Not a date. Just… a meeting. With someone I haven’t seen in a while.” She paused, feeling out a reaction from Kristoff. When nothing came, she kept going: “I’m… nervous. The last time we met, it didn’t end well.”  _ Plenty vague. _

“What happened?” asked Kristoff. “What do you mean by ‘didn’t end well’?”

This was where Elsa got stuck. Any more information beyond this would be too much. She didn’t want to say she was meeting with her sister, much less tell him what happened last time. Much much less the reason why. Still, his jovial little jab left her reeling and vulnerable, as though she could see right through her, into the burning desire buried under thick layers of ice. What could she say? If she even wanted to explain, where to start?

Elsa spoke in measured words. “She asked me a question. I could not answer. She was upset with my inability to answer.”

“Man, you’re really tiptoeing around the bush here,” Kristoff noted, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t know how much I can help with like, only reading the back of the book.”

The blonde woman sighed. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry.”  _ Don’t. There’s plenty of time to pack and get out of here before four. _ “It’s just…” Her logic brain, thoroughly defeated multiple times in the past twenty four hours, saw the inevitable coming. “I have a hard time talking about my family.”

“Family!” Kristoff exclaimed. “That’s something we can work with! The only family you’ve ever said a word about was your sister. Anna, right?”

Elsa winced at the name. Other people speaking her name made her feel more real, a feeling Elsa had been trying to numb away. It’s easier to pretend someone doesn’t exist than to know that someone is forever out of reach. “Yes. Anna.” She took a deep breath, steadying herself. “I’m going to meet with her tonight. The first time in… five years.” Her trembling hands betrayed her attempt at a calm exterior.

“Five years? You haven’t talked to your sister in five years??” Kristoff asked incredulously. “Dude, Sven and I aren’t even brothers, and it’s weird if I go like, a week without talking to the guy.”

“...there are reasons,” Elsa rebutted, more for herself than for Kristoff. Something was beginning to break.

“So it’s your sister! What could you possibly be afraid of?” Kristoff emoted with a hint of frustration. “She’s your sister, she loves you!”

_ Not like I want her to. _ “She…” Elsa started. “Like I said, the last time we spoke, it didn’t end well.”

“Yeah, yeah, she had a question you couldn’t answer. What was the question anyways? It seems like kind of a big deal.”

_ Might as well tell him! _ She stuttered a bit, unsure of what to say. “Suh, suh, well, um, well, she…” She could feel herself getting redder by the second.  _ Go ahead, keep spilling, keep putting us in danger. _

Kristoff chuckled. “C’mon, it can’t be that bad.”

_ You called him here. This is your apartment. You can’t just leave. _ Elsa stood up and walked over to the window. The city’s expanse stretched out before her. Part of her believed that if she willed herself away, if she focused her energy on it, she could be miles away.  _ You don’t have many options right now. _

“She asked why I left.” 

“Left?” Kristoff was puzzling it together. “Wait… Wait. Hold on. You left her… before not speaking to her for five years? You left her  _ twice? _ What, did you run away from home?”

Elsa didn’t speak or move a muscle.

“You  _ did! _ ” he exclaimed. “You ran away from your family! If my math is correct…” he trailed off. “Wait, it’s been more than five years. Were you…”

“I was a teenager, yes.” Her voice had become icy. “Nineteen or so. It’s been seven years.”

“Why!” shouted Kristoff. “They’re your family, they’re supposed to love you through thick and thin!”

Elsa whipped around, her gaze piercing his, almost eliciting a whimper. “And what do you know of family,  _ orphan boy? _ ” There was venom in her words.

It was Kristoff’s turn to say nothing, mouth agape. There was a pain behind his eyes. Elsa realized she had probably hurt him, but the part of her that was in control right now cared not. 

After a short while, Elsa turned back to the window. “I didn’t think so.”

Kristoff asked the only question he could think of: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Elsa chuckled darkly. “You want it in alphabetical or chronological?”

Figuring that was all the apology he would get, Kristoff got right to the point. “Are you gonna tell me why you left?”

“...I can’t.” The answer she always gave. 

“You can’t. Of course.” Kristoff snorted. “Is that what you told her, too?”

Once again, Elsa didn’t move.

Kristoff’s voice was soft. “Well, if you’re not gonna talk to me about it, then what am I doing here?”

She didn’t have an answer for him.

“Maybe I should go.”

Elsa nodded almost imperceptibly. She stared out the window as her only friend left her apartment without another word.


	10. Memory II, part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> allllllrighty it's time for the juicy stuff
> 
> also these chapters are like twice as long as the previous ones? what even is consistency

~~Seven Years Ago~~

“C’monnn, we’re gonna be late!”

Elsa’s sigh bore deep sarcasm. “Yes, we’re going to be late, to a party. It’s definitely possible to be late to a party.”

“But it’s my first one!!” Anna whined, clinging to Elsa’s arm. “You’ve been to like, five!”

_And I wonder why I still do_. “Trust me, Anna, they’re not as cool as they seem in movies.”

“Maybe for _you_ ,” Anna said, sticking out her tongue. “I actually enjoy being around people.”

“Oof. I’ll need some ice for that burn.” A smirk spread across Elsa’s face. 

“You and your ice puns! When will it end?!”

“As soon as you stop roasting me.”

“Never!” Anna exclaimed as she got in the car. “Stop being so roastable!”

Elsa didn’t respond as she started the car, and Anna’s eyes widened. “Oh my god I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that I know you have friends and you’re taking me to this party please don’t change your mind I’m sorry I’m sorry--”

She stopped as she felt a soft hand rustle her poof of fiery orange hair. Her sea green eyes looked up and met her sister’s icy blue. Despite their piercing hue, they carried a softness and affection Anna didn’t know from anywhere else. Something that told her everything would be okay. The car started down the driveway.

“I know. If I minded, you’d know.” She handed her a small black cord. “Tunes?”

“Yes please,” Anna said, dripping with relief. “Sigur Rós is not the mood for tonight.”

Their shitty little ‘96 Toyota Camry puttered through the suburb, electronica rattling the windows. Elsa stared out the windows as Anna belted along. This was one of the few times during the school year their parents would let them away from their studies and extracurriculars for some fun, and even though she _hated_ parties with every fiber of her being, she would at least be able to see Honeymaren. And besides, she owed it to Anna. It was her sixteenth birthday, and she had promised she’d take her to her first party. _And you haven’t been that great of a sister otherwise._

“Wait this is it this is it this is it!” Anna said, bapping her sister’s hoodie repeatedly. 

Elsa snickered. “You think?” she said, trying to maneuver her way through the cars littering both sides of the street without taking out any mirrors. After finding a spot half a mile away, the pair strode up to the only house on the block packed with people. 

“Els, ya made it! And you brought your cute sister!” some meathead droned. Elsa was sure she knew him but a name escaped her. She just smiled and nodded and pushed her way inside, Anna in tow.

Inside the house was the exact messy scene usually seen at high school parties. Horrid music thumping, people shouting conversations, the rank smell of shitty beer. Elsa recognized most of these people, but couldn’t say she _knew_ a single one. _Why did I agree to this again?_ She felt a tugging on her hoodie. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go like, talk to people, okay?” Anna stated more than asked. “You go find Honey or something or whatever it is you do at parties.”

Elsa froze for a moment, but regained her composure quickly. _Of course she wants to go off on her own. You’re not exactly a great winglady._ “Alright, but remember, three drinks maximum, no more than two in an hour, and we’re leaving at one, okay?”

“I know, I know!” Anna said, walking away. Elsa took a deep breath. _There goes my lifeline._ _I’d hoped maybe this would be easier with Anna here._ She scanned the crowd, looking for any familiar (and friendly) faces. She perked up as soon as she saw Honeymaren, dancing in the crowd like she hadn’t a care in the world. Her gorgeous yellow dress stuck out against her darker skin. Her eyes were closed, but as if on cue, she spun towards Elsa and looked directly at her. 

“Come join me in this dance?” Honeymaren asked in sweet tones as Elsa approached. 

Elsa giggled nervously. “You know I don’t do that.”

“Ah, you need more alcohol in you. Comin’ right up!” In one smooth movement, she picked up an empty Solo cup from the table next to the punchbowl and swished it through the liquid, picking up a good deal of radioactive pink _something_. With a smile, she presented it to Elsa.

“Blech. Do I have to?” asked Elsa half-jokingly.

“If you wanna be any fun tonight!” accused Honeymaren. “Let me tell you, sober Els is not fun at parties.”

“Sober Elsa can actually remember her problems.”

“So what’re you waiting for! Drink up!” Honeymaren said, basically tipping the drink into Elsa’s mouth. 

Whatever was in the radioactive pink liquid actually made it taste pretty good. By the time she could think again, she had already downed the entire thing. The cup tumbled to the ground unceremoniously, already forgotten. After about a minute, the sensation hit her like a pile of bricks, and she stumbled forward, a little bit off balance. The lights seemed to get a little brighter and the music less… annoying?

Honeymaren’s voice cut through the haze. “Alright, _now_ let’s see how you feel about dancing.” A soft, warm hand led her through the crowd to the open area of the floor close to the speakers. Honeymaren resumed her reverie, seeming to get completely lost in the music. The sea of bodies around her were either doing the same, or standing opposite another, chatting. Elsa felt out of place in both, but the drunkenness was setting in, and the music had shifted to a song she actually kind of liked. Soon, she felt herself moving with the rhythm, in slight movements at first, turning into a graceful continuum of dance.

Elsa barely saw Anna for the next few hours. To be fair, Honeymaren was keeping her occupied, but to be fair, Elsa was concerned about Anna. This was her first party, and she wanted to make sure her little sister was having fun. However, she didn’t quite follow the same three-drink rule that Anna did. On her fourth trip to the punchbowl, she thought, _Oh right. This is why I come to parties._ With the haze of drunkenness surrounding her, her problems didn’t seem so real. College looming, whole future, terrifying. Parental issues. The kind where they don’t kick you out if you’re gay, but you almost wished they did. The ice on top of that. And, unbeknownst to even herself, there was Anna. She’d been a difficult sister, she knew. There was a good long while where she would hardly leave her room. However, as Anna started to forcibly bridge the gap between them, she grew extremely affectionate for Anna, and the pair became close--often closer than most sisters. 

As if the devil himself were orchestrating the evening, Anna chose that moment to waltz back into the main room. Elsa immediately took notice, as Anna wasn’t wearing a shirt. Just her old blue jeans and an elaborate white lacy bra. The older sister turned red almost immediately, as thoughts rang out in her mind like cracks of lightning. 

_Where did her shirt go?? And why is she wearing that really cute bra? And why do those jeans hug her hips really well… and those adorable freckled shoulders… the bra highlights her collarbones…her perky breasts on her delicate frame..._

She felt a warmth building in her core, and as soon as she realized what she was thinking, she panicked. A breath caught in her throat, and she nearly choked. 

Honeymaren must have taken notice. “Elsa, are you okay?” she said with a hint of real concern in her voice.

“I’m… fine,” Elsa said, trying to reassure herself as much as her friend. “I’m fine. I just… I need to go. To the bathroom.” With that, she darted off, hoping that nobody would follow.

The door lock clicked, and once it did, Elsa took a few more deep breaths in and out, trying to steady herself. She slumped against the door. Her heart was making a valiant attempt to escape through her chest. The thoughts kept pouring like rain, but a singular thought pervaded all others: _What the FUCK was that?_ She had no answer she was okay with. She continued on with the deep breaths, to little success. While attempting to stand back up, she had a thought so simple and straightforward it seemed to solve everything.

_Drunk._

_I’m just drunk. That’s it. I had a few too many, and now I’m thinking everybody looks good. That’s what happens when you drink, right? Yeah. Okay._

Enough of her was convinced that she was able to force herself to stand up, splash some water on her face, and head back out into the wild throng. _It’s going to be okay_. 

She found Anna ( _still no shirt, yikes)_ sitting on the countertop in the kitchen, surrounded by a few boys. After clearing a path, she put a hand on Anna’s cheek. 

“Anna, are you alright? We should probably leave soon.” Even when she was distressed, Elsa could still reassure a panicking teenager. 

“I’m doing great!! This is the best party ever! Thank you soooooo much for taking me,” she slurred, leaning forward and almost falling into Elsa’s arms. Elsa felt the heat creep back up into her face as her sister’s naked torso pressed up against her.

It took her a few seconds to speak again. “Well, it’s almost one. We should get going.” _Before anything else like this happens._

“Aww, but I was just starting to have fun!” Anna complained. She had clearly not obeyed the three drink rule.

“It’s getting late. We don’t want mom and dad pissed at us.” _Good job. I’m keeping this together pretty well._

“But Elsaaaaaaaa,” Anna droned. “What if I gave you. A kiss on the cheek?” She was metering out her sentences, like there was a limit to the number of words she could say at the time. 

_Um. What did she just say?_ “No, we really should go. Now.” _I’m just drunk. So is she._

“Okaaaaaayyyyy,” resigned Anna. “But only if I can sit in your lap on the drive home.”

_What is_ happening _?! Does she know what she’s saying?_ “Sure. Alright. We need to go now.” Very firmly, Elsa grabbed Anna’s hand, and pulled her through the crowd and out the door. Elsa’s thoughts were an absolute mess as she stuffed her younger sister into the car and drove off.

The twenty minute drive home felt at once much shorter and much longer. Though she had found her excuse in the bathroom, a part of her knew that it was just that: an excuse. She was terrified these thoughts would still be there when she woke up in the morning.

She was terrified they had been here for a while already.


	11. Memory II, part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continuation of the last chapter. one more part to this flashback!

Elsa awoke to pounding on her door. It almost matched the rhythm of her head throbbing. A quick glance at the clock reminded her that It Was Sunday and their family was Going To Church. No two ways around that. She let out an audible groan, trying to roll back over, but her father’s voice came shortly after the pounding.

“Elsa. 8:45. Let’s go.”

That was pretty much his only tone: firm and demanding. She could count the number of times he’d spoken softly on one hand. Showing outwards affection was unheard of. Something in her mind recalled the bike incident, where she’d flipped over a curb trying to do a small jump. As she sat on the ground crying, head bleeding profusely, the only thing she could remember was her father walking toward her angrily. No concern, no worry for his daughter, just annoyance that he had to take time out of his day for this. Even their mother admonished him for that, and she was often not much better. 

Elsa reluctantly crawled out of bed, still feeling a light dizziness from the alcohol. Five hours of sleep weren’t enough to wear away an unspecified number of drinks. She sat on the edge of her bed in the dark, taking a few deep breaths, trying to steel herself for the day ahead. As the grogginess slowly left her, flashes of the previous night rushed back to her, and her stomach went from unhappy to churning. She couldn’t help but relive that moment, seeing Anna shirtless, knowing instantaneously that what she felt wasn’t okay. _We are sisters._ She clenched her fist so tight her nails dug into her palm. _I was just drunk. We were both drunk._

After searching for what seemed like minutes, she finally found her resolve. _I can do this. Let’s get dressed. It was just a fluke._ At this point, she was well experienced in making herself presentable, and in under ten minutes, she was in the front hallway, a soft blue dress hanging from her shoulders and light makeup done to perfection. Anna bounded down the stairs shortly after, clad as well in a dress that nearly matched her eyes. Elsa’s stare couldn’t help but linger on her sister’s soft curves and scarcely exposed shoulders. Catching herself, she forced her eyes on the ground, chiding her errant gaze.

“Gooooood morning Elsa!” Anna sang, seemingly unaffected by the night they’d had. She twirled as she reached the bottom of the stairs, and Elsa’s stare betrayed her yet again. _Has Anna always been this gorgeous?_ The thought weaseled its way into her mind, and she almost recoiled. She felt the tips of her ears start to get warm, and for the first time ever, a white-hot panic started to bubble in her stomach. However, Anna’s twirl ended in a fall, and the loud _thunk_ brought Elsa back to the real world.

“Good morning, you clumsy dork,” she said, forcing as warm of a smile as she could muster. “Still working on our pirouettes?” Elsa extended a hand to help her sister up.

Anna looked back up at her, a little embarrassed. “I’ll get it down some day!” she said defiantly. As she took Elsa’s hand to stand, Elsa felt a jolt of electricity run through her. She’d held her sister’s delicate hand in hers many times, but there was something about it now that made her every hair stand on end. 

She pulled her sister up, and Anna embraced her, almost falling into her. She held her sister tight. “Thank you. For last night. I know you don’t like parties, but I had an amazing time.” Anna’s voice was soft, likely so as to not let their parents hear.

_I’ll bet you did,_ Elsa thought. _Definitely a better night than mine._ “Of course. I promised, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but…” The unspoken _you don’t always keep them_ pierced Elsa’s heart. “Thank you anyway. Also, you look beautiful this morning, did you do your brows differently?” Her voice got louder as she heard their parents approach, and she switched off talking about the party. “Good morning!”

“Morning, dear. Elsa, are you ready to go?” their mother asked pointedly.

_Why me specifically? Do I not look ready?_ “Yes, I’m all set.”

“In the car. Let’s go.” Their father was never a man of many words.

The car ride to the church was terse, at least for Elsa. Anna didn’t seem to notice a thing, but Elsa could feel the disapproval from her parents. For what, it didn’t really matter. This time it was probably returning home late last night, but it was just kind of the way things were. Elsa had always marvelled at how Anna was able to handle, or at the very least ignore, the strictness of their parents. She was the younger sister, though, and all eyes were on Elsa to be the perfect model child. At this point, Elsa was desperately waiting for college for a chance to escape. It was still months away, even though she was already 19. She just gritted her teeth and stared out the window.

Church service was largely as boring and uneventful as it always was. Sitting, standing, sitting again, listening to a guy drone on about things that happened two thousand years ago, and of course singing. Anna loved to sing, and made that clear every Sunday morning. Elsa loved to sing as well, but she couldn’t stomach the thought of other people hearing her. She barely made a noise as she mouthed the words to the hymnals, trying to pretend like her brain wasn’t elsewhere. Every so often, against her better judgement, she would steal a glance at Anna. Her little sister’s freckled cheeks and big teal eyes were a comfort, but also a danger. 

The priest arrived at the Our Father prayer, and the congregation stood obediently. As if controlled by one voice, the people spoke:

_Our Father_

_Who art in heaven_

_Hallowed be thy name_

_Thy kingdom come_

_Thy will be done_

_On earth as it is in heaven_

_Give us this day our daily bread_

_And forgive us our trespasses_

_As we forgive those who trespass against us_

_And lead us not into temptation--_

At that line, Elsa choked. Even though she was only mouthing the words, the weight of what she was mouthing along to nearly crushed her. _Temptation._ That’s what this was. _That’s all it is_ . She was being tempted. She glanced at Anna again, this time quizzically. _Was Anna tempting her? Was she doing it… intentionally?_ She shook her head. That’s not something Anna would do. She’d never much bought into Catholicism, but maybe this whole “devil temptation” thing had a truth to it. 

When she came back to reality, Anna was tugging on her arm, trying to get her to sit down. Elsa noticed she was the only one still standing, and quickly plopped back in her chair, mortified. Her mother leaned over and whispered to her. “Elsa, are you okay? Do you need to excuse yourself for a bit?” She thought for a moment, then nodded, making her exit as quietly and unobtrusively as possible. 

_Second time in a strange bathroom in twelve hours_ , she thought, _over the same thing. Good. This is great. Excellent._ She reached for the sink to splash some water in her face, and she noticed she was shaking. Staring into the mirror, she grasped the handle of the sink, not realizing the chill creeping out from her hands. In short order, the spigot had frozen entirely, and the water pooling in the sink was a sheer block of ice. Elsa recoiled, stepping back. _Now is NOT the time for that._ Nevertheless, she was losing control of her emotions, and thus losing control of her ice. 

She locked herself in a stall, hoping the smaller space would be a comfort somehow. Her hands touched the walls, and the ice started to trickle out along them in a snowflake pattern. Deep breaths in and out, focus, and fear allowed her to finally start to pull the ice back. Inside her, though, she felt as though her true colors had been revealed. 

_You’re a creep,_ she thought to herself. 

_I’m being tempted,_ she argued back. _This is a test._

_No, you’re being disgusting. Anna is your sister._

_I know she’s my sister! It’s wrong! I don’t know where this came from!_

_Are you sure you don’t?_

At that thought, she balked. _What do you mean?_

_Think about it._ It was as if part of her had taken on a life of its own. _Didn’t everyone look at you weird when you walked into school holding your sister’s hand? Is it normal to cuddle your sister for hours on end? Isn’t it just a bit strange that you have no feelings for a beautiful woman who obviously likes you?_

_Don’t bring Honey into this,_ she defended. She’d had confrontational inner monologues before, but not to this extent. _She’s a very good friend. And so what if she likes me?_

_You don’t like her back because you’ve only got eyes for someone else._

The sudden burst of noise from outside the bathroom broke her out of her conversation. Was the service already over? _Shit._ She’d been in the bathroom for almost fifteen minutes. With all the strength and control she could muster, she burst out of the stall, pausing quickly to note the sink was still frozen, and pushed her way into the crowd to find her family.

“Elsa, are you alright? You were in there for a long time,” asked her mother, with actual concern. “Are you sick?”

“No, she just made bad decisions last night, and she’s suffering the consequences,” her father said dispassionately, not even looking at her. 

Elsa only managed a small “I’ll be fine” before they got in the car and drove home in silence. 


	12. Memory II, part 3

The rest of her Sunday was spent staring at her homework, attempting to make any sort of progress. Her thoughts were entirely elsewhere, however. Every so often, Anna would cross her mind, filling her with the white hot panic she’d recently been introduced to. On the other hand, though, every so often those thoughts of Anna would bring about another feeling: a warm violet. Anna had always been a comfort, her rock in the storm that was her life. 

Since her realization the night before, though, Anna’s presence induced both the panic she was feeling and a greater sense of love. She loved Anna. And not only did she love Anna, but she was _in love with_ Anna. The thought terrified her, as it should… but it also excited her, in a strange way. 

_Excuse you, this is not something to get excited over._

All of a sudden, three sharp knocks cracked the silence.

“Elsaaaaa come out of your cave and help me pick out outfits for the week!” 

_Bad idea. Horrible idea. Now is extremely not the time for that._ “I can’t, I’m sorry. I have too much to do.”

“Well then come work in my room! I’ve barely seen you all day!” Anna was remaining hopeful, even though the door was still shut.

Elsa was weighing the pros and cons. Pro, this room felt suffocating, and she wasn’t getting anything done anyway. Con, she would probably be ogling her baby sister. _You’re sick._

_She’s my sister. We have a good relationship. It’ll be fine._

“Well? Are you coming or not?” asked Anna, a slight hint of defeat creeping into her voice.

Elsa opened the door abruptly, and found her sister looking up at her, clad in pajama pants and a loose tank top. Her usually messy orange hair was tied up as much as it could be in a bun. She looked so cute, Elsa wanted to just scoop her up in her arms and give her a kiss. _Again! Sister! Don’t!_

“Yay! I hope you’re feeling better!” squealed Anna, giving her sister a squeeze.

_Who even knows right now._ “I’m alright. Honestly, it would do me good to get out of my cave.”

“That’s what I thought! Alright, come on, I already have some outfits laid out.” Anna’s aesthetic was very important to her. She’d sunk herself into Project Runway a couple years back and came out the other side a self-appointed fashionista. Elsa had to admit, her little sister did have an eye for the unique. 

When they arrived at Anna’s room, Elsa could see what she meant. Not only were there a number of top/bottom pairs on the bed, but clothes and loose fabric were strewn about the room, as if a bomb made from a Joanne’s had gone off. Anna didn’t even pause, striding right over to the bed and clearing off an Elsa-shaped space. 

“Alright, okay, so, Monday is the beginning of the week of course, so I want something that makes a big impact. Start it off right, y’know. So I was thinking we could do this loose purple lace top with a black cami underneath, and then pair it with this dark green velvet bodycon skirt, and hold on let me show you what it looks like…”

This was exactly what Elsa was afraid of. She felt her heart start to thump, and she looked away. Anna must have noticed, since she chided: “Hey, you don’t need to be all awkward like that. I’m your sister, dummy.” _Great. No escaping this now._ Elsa looked back to see her sister fully dressed, _thankfully_ , and moving towards her. She took a deep breath in, and then out. 

“So how do I look?” asked Anna, presenting herself to Elsa with a spin. 

Elsa’s brain immediately plummeted into the gutter. As her baby sister twirled, she couldn’t help but gaze at her exposed legs, starting to feel a pooling golden yellow in her stomach. Her eyes, betraying her, held on the velvet skirt, which highlighted Anna’s ass perfectly. _Anna is… very hot. Shit._ The golden yellow started to blend with the warm violet, interrupted only by the white hot panic poking its head in. 

“Els? You there?” Anna piped, waving a hand in front of Elsa’s face. Elsa shook her head, realizing what was happening. 

“Y-you look great. You look good. I… need to go.” Elsa nervously stood up, trying to convince her feet to carry her away. She couldn’t be around Anna. Not right now, at least. 

Anna was crestfallen. “What’s going on? I can tell something’s wrong. You’re not good at hiding that, y’know.” She was trying to keep the tone light, but Elsa could tell her mood was already plummeting. 

She couldn’t look at her younger sister. “I… I can’t talk about it right now. I need to be alone.” She started towards the door.

Anna reached out and took her hand, stopping her. “Elsa. I’m your sister. You can trust me with anything.”

Once again, against her better judgement, she looked back into her sister’s eyes. Anna was never good at hiding her emotions, and her sadness was palpable. The tears welling up in her eyes pulled at Elsa’s heartstrings, and she almost broke in that moment. But she held strong. “I can’t. Not right now.”

Anna saw an opportunity among the rejection. “Later, then? Once you’ve got it figured out a little more?” she asked hopefully.

Elsa breathed in through her nose. It would get her out of here. “Later. I promise.” She escaped from her sister’s grasp before Anna could let out another word. 

Back in the safety of her own room, she shoved the doorstop under the door and launched herself onto the bed. The swirling colors in her brain offered no respite. The golden yellow highlighted the warm violet, disrupted by the white hot panic, and blunted by a new color: an empty, lonely blue. If she was being honest with herself, which was difficult at the moment, the blue held a certain familiarity and comfort, even though it stung. At worst, it was better than the white hot panic. However, the more she thought about it, the white hot overtook the rainbow, and she succumbed, sobs escaping her throat. 

The next few hours were spent alternating between pacing her room and laying on her bed. Any thought of work getting done was long gone. After she’d spent a solid amount of time lamenting, crying, trying to make any sort of sense of what she was feeling, her mind turned to a single question: _What do I do now?_ She paced the length of her room again, then stopped at the only window and stared out at the street. 

Much like any other suburb, the scene was a sea of houses, as far as the eye could see. She’d hated this place since she was old enough to hate things. It got even worse when high school hit and the only thing to do for miles around was the shitty strip mall that closed at 9pm. Not to mention her parents first finding out she could create ice with her bare hands, and later discovering that she was repeatedly google searching variants of “boy turning into girl magic pill”. Anna was the only one in her family who defended her on either point. Her father’s first instinct for both was to leave her on the steps of an orphanage, which their mother couldn’t abide, even though she was none too happy either. 

Anna. She understood when nobody else did. She always had. The warm violet crept its way into her heart again, reassuring her that she might actually be able to talk to Anna about what was burdening her now. The thought was quickly shaken, however, and the violet faded into the dull, empty blue. 

_Run._

It was as if someone else had spoken the word out loud. Elsa flinched. “H-hello?” she asked quietly, to no reply. Just as she was chalking it up to her distressed mental state, the thought passed through her mind again, stronger this time.

_Run._

This time she was certain it came from herself. She almost rejected it outright, but something stopped her. It wasn’t… implausible. She had a nonzero amount of savings. She would go off to college in a few months anyways. Best ( _worst_ ) of all, she wouldn’t have to be around Anna. She could sort out her feelings, truly. The more time she spent with the idea, the less horrible it sounded. _It would only be for a little while. To figure things out._ She’d kind of hated this house, this city, for years. _It would be nice to get away. Have a place to sort things out that isn’t here._ Her father had wanted to abandon her anyways. He’d probably be happy she was gone. _The asshole._

Elsa sat down at her desk and pulled open a spreadsheet, typing in some numbers, trying to figure out just how plausible this was. Her savings would allow her to rent an apartment for up to four months, plus money for food and other necessities. She was 19, a legal adult. _I can actually do this._ With the numbers crunched, and her emotions settling, she planned to wait a week, pack, prepare, and leave next weekend. 

Without even a knock, the door handle rattled, and her father’s voice boomed. “Family meeting tomorrow. We need to talk about your behavior and college. As soon as I get home from work. No excuses.” Flashes of bright red anger tinted her vision. If they were considering keeping her from going… The thought was too much. She would be stuck with Anna, and there’s no way that led to anything good. She needed to get out. Fueled by rage, she altered her plans. 

The next hour was a whirlwind of packing, panic, and spur of the moment planning. She’d missed dinner hours ago, but didn’t even notice. Her stomach was churning too much for food. The swirl of color in her heart drove her forward. With graceful, deft movements, she packed a full suitcase of clothes, and her backpack full of other essentials. At some point, her phone beeped with a message from Anna.

Whatever you’re going through, I’ll always be there for you. <3

Elsa halted, almost breaking down. She realized that, if she left tonight, her last words to her sister would be a broken promise. But, she had already made her decision. She couldn’t see Anna again, not while she felt like this. One day of knowing that she was attracted to her had nearly killed her. She wouldn’t survive a week. Guilt began to pile on her shoulders, making the world feel grey and sad. She hated herself for what she thought she had to do.

Some hours later, when the rest of the house was sound asleep, Elsa crawled quietly out of bed, snatched her suitcase and backpack, snuck out the back door, got in her car, and drove off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's that for the second flashback! next up is an Anna chapter, then.... they meet >:)


	13. Aftereffect

It had been five years since she last saw Elsa. Seven since she disappeared out of her life. Gone, in the middle of the night, with no explanation, no note, not even a “see you later”. Seven years, four months, and 14 days.

Not that Anna was counting.

She flopped down onto the motel bed, letting herself sink multiple inches into the soft padding. They’d come into town a couple days ago, after Anna’s detective work led them here, and hopefully to Elsa. The motel wasn’t ideal, but at least it was cheap and the beds were soft. Olaf’s chainsaw snores permeated the room, even though it was the middle of the day. The noise provided enough distraction for her mind to wander, and unfortunately, there was only one topic it was interested in.

She couldn’t stop thinking about that morning. Waking up not to Elsa’s soft knocking but her father’s hard raps. Groggily stumbling out of her room, towards a kitchen with a conspicuously absent Elsa. She was always first up, usually whizzing around the kitchen with her mother to ensure breakfast went smoothly. Striding up to Elsa’s closed door and knocking, curiously at first, but growing more worried with each knock. Calling to her parents, asking if Elsa had gone to school early. Opening the door to her room, and finding the usually fairly orderly space torn apart. Drawers left open, sheets in a pile on the floor, even some of the art hanging on the walls was askew. 

She remembered her heart starting to pound at that instant. She was terrified her sister had been kidnapped, or coerced, or worse, murdered. Even her father, stoic as a stone wall, showed clear fear in his eyes. Her mother started tearing up and made a beeline for the bathroom. Within minutes, the family was roaming the house, searching every corner, calling for Elsa like she was a lost puppy. Anna grew more and more terrified when each room revealed to her, in turn, that it did not hold her sister. In a moment of panic, she was struck with the thought that she might never hold her sister’s soft gaze again, and started to cry, not even fully realizing why.

Her parents had left the house to search the nearby area and speak to anyone who might have seen her, leaving Anna alone. School had gone from nearly a top priority to nonexistent. It would eventually be Thursday when she returned, without Elsa. In the moment, though, she was consumed by grief. When her parents finally returned empty-handed, she dashed up to Elsa’s room, locked herself in, and threw herself on the bed. It was all she could think of. 

Days passed, and eventually Anna realized life needed to go on. She returned to school, but remained hollow. Her friends tried their best to keep her cheered up, and even Honeymaren started hanging out with her. She remembered one conversation they had very clearly:

“...and she’s just… gone? Like disappeared?” asked Honeymaren.

Anna breathed in through her nose. “Gone.” Even just affirming it was difficult. “The last time I saw her was Sunday night.”

Their friends all stared at her, waiting for more. Normally, Anna could hardly close her mouth. The words just seemed to spill out like a waterfall. Now, however, she could scarcely find enough for a full sentence.

Honeymaren looked at her. “She didn’t tell you why or anything?”

Anna shook her head. After a short pause, she added, “It was weird though.”

Her friends shared glances, and Honeymaren turned back to her. “Weird like how?”

She’d relived this moment hundreds of times, and every single time, it was more painful than a physical wound could possibly be. Still, she recounted the last conversation she and Elsa had for her friends, making sure to note her older sister’s final words to her: “Later. I promise.”

“That’s cryptic as hell, I gotta say,” remarked Honeymaren, taking it in analytically. “Do you think it’s because of that?”

Anna furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

“Well like,” Honeymaren began. “You two are close, right? Like, so close that you basically tell each other everything.”

“Yeah. At least, I thought we were,” she said dejectedly. 

“So like, maybe she ran away because of whatever the hell that thing is.” Honeymaren folded her arms, confident she’d hit the nail on the head.

“No.” Anna snarled at her. She was not known for being vicious in her demeanor, or even anything but cheery. So, it was no surprise that Honeymaren looked a little scared. “She wouldn’t run away. Not from me.”

Honeymaren tried to save herself a little face. “Well, maybe she like, well, uh…”

“She  _ promised _ , Honey,” Anna cut in. “Her last words to me were a promise.” Bitterness still edged out sadness in her tone. She looked down at the barely touched school-provided lunch on the tray. Pushing it towards the center of the table, she muttered, “up for grabs,” then got up and made straight for the bathroom. 

On the short walk, her head felt like it was caving in from all sides.  _ Ran away. _ She couldn’t believe Elsa would do such a thing, especially without telling anyone. Without telling her.  _ Ran away. _ It was impossible. Sure, Elsa had joked about it a few times, and maybe considered it in some moments of extreme distress, but  _ actually _ running away was so different. The Elsa she knew wouldn’t, not without at least letting her know. 

_ Ran away. _ The aching in her heart grew as she pushed her way into the bathroom.

Snorts and coughs from the other side of the room brought her back to the present. Sounds like Olaf’s finally up. She let her thoughts linger on that moment a moment longer, then forced herself to her feet. When she came out of that bathroom seven years ago, she knew in her heart that Honeymaren was spot on.

“Mmm. Gmorning!” muttered the groggy man, with his usual cheery tone. “How’re you doing, Anna?”

She took a deep breath in and out before answering. “Been better. Also, it’s one. Not really morning anymore.” Another pause before she realized she should ask him back. “How are you?”

“I’m doing great! I got some good sleep and it’s a beautiful day out!” Olaf exclaimed. 

Anna rolled her eyes. She wondered how one person could have so much excitement for life, then remembered that she too used to be like that. In flashes, she still was. Whenever she was able to find happiness, she found her past self, the Anna who couldn’t stop talking and was endlessly positive and had a deep affinity for chocolate. To be fair, though, that last bit was still true.

“Elsa called.” The heaviest words she’d ever spoken.

Olaf opened his mouth to speak, but said nothing. He was still wearing his white suit, clearly having fallen asleep in it. With his groggy eyes and mussed up hair, it created a nice juxtaposition. Anna figured he didn’t expect Elsa would actually call. She didn’t either.

“So…” Olaf searched for the obvious question. “What did she say?”

“We’re meeting up, if you can believe that.” The slightest hint of a smile started to curl her mouth. “Four o’clock, by the Hallan river.”

“Wait wait wait,” the man said incredulously. “You’re going to  _ see her _ ?”

Anna nodded. Even though it had been a few hours since she spoke to her sister, it hadn’t really set in. 

“What… okay. Yeah. Huh. I don’t know what to say other than good luck?” Olaf was clearly lost.

“That’s okay, bud. I’ll figure it out.” She feigned a meager confidence.

“Do you want me to come with?” he asked. “I didn’t know her too well but we definitely talked more than a few times in high school.”

“Can you actually not?” she said softly. “I need to talk to her by myself.”

“Y...Yeah! Sure,” Olaf stuttered. “I can occupy myself somehow!”

“Thanks. And thanks for coming along on this trip, really. It would’ve been even more boring without you.”

“Not a problem!” he smirked. “Unlike your sister, I will never abandon you!”

Anna pursed her lips, but didn’t bite back. 

“Ooh!” injected Olaf. “Are you gonna tell her about--”

“We’ll see,” she said, cutting him off. “We’ll see what happens.” She thought for a little bit, then added, “Can you uh, could you go somewhere else for a bit? I wanna make sure I’m really ready,” with as much kindness as she could muster.

“Of course! Olaf away!” The man swiped one of the hotel keys and disappeared out the door.

Anna flopped back on the bed. Three hours until she saw her sister again. There was nothing on earth she could do to feel ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> didn't get much writing done today but have this Anna chapter! man. poor Anna.


	14. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Elsa?” Anna’s soft voice pierced the silence. “Is… is that really you?” 
> 
> She doesn’t even believe you’re real. Say something. Anything.

The bus was fairly deserted, carrying only the driver, an old man up front, a couple of teenagers, and Elsa. It was a Sunday afternoon, after all. Winter was fast approaching, and the days grew shorter with each passing one. It was only 3:30, but the sun was already beginning to kiss the tops of the mountains in the distance, tinting the sky a brilliant orange. Elsa could hardly appreciate the beauty of nature in that moment, however. Her mind was stuck on an entirely different orange.

She absentmindedly played with her soft nearly-white hair while she did her best to compose herself. The roar and rattle of the bus served only to amplify her nerves, however. In her current state, she knew driving herself would end in disaster, one way or the other. Besides, it gave her time to... _Time to what, exactly?_ She asked herself. _Time to think about how many ways this could go horribly, terrifyingly wrong?_

Her hand reached up to rub sleep out of her eyes, but pulled away in time when she remembered she was wearing makeup. After Kristoff had walked out, _rightfully so_ , and after she’d taken adequate time to lay on the couch having a fit, she got the idea in her head that she needed to be _presentable_ for this reunion. Despite desperately wanting to do anything else, a full hour before she left was spent perfecting her outfit and makeup. _A nap would’ve spent that hour better._ Yet, a not insignificant part of her cared deeply about looking her best for Anna.

_Anna._

The violet tugged at the edges of her heart. She knew acutely how much trouble that color could get her in. Three days ago, she was fully certain the walls she’d put up would protect her from that kind of trouble. Now, though… cracks had started to appear. Her confidence was wavering. She didn’t have any other options, though. She had to believe they would protect her through to the end. 

_Or else it was all a waste. Worse than a waste…_

The sudden halt of the bus almost caused her to throw her purse. Craning her neck, she peered out the window. Two streets away. There wasn’t a whole lot of time left for a different decision. She squeezed her fist, willing herself not to get off the bus at that very moment and call an Uber home. The teenagers and the old man had gotten off, leaving Elsa with almost an entire empty bus between her and the driver. As the old vehicle shuddered back to life, passing the point of no return, the only thing she could do was pull out her phone to check her makeup for the fortieth time. 

_No time to think about what to say, of course, but plenty of time to make yourself pretty._ She’d gotten pretty good at berating herself, but the past few days had set a new record. _Your intentions are loud and clear._

She blinked, and found herself standing on the street corner close to the river, watching the bus drive away. The wind whipped through her loose white hi-lo dress, and she quietly thanked herself for picking out the thicker blue leggings. She liked it cold, sure, but the wind was another story. It was just chilly enough for her breath to come out as a shapeless cloud. 

“Miss? Spare some change?” asked a scruffy older man wearing a long, ragged green trenchcoat. Her purse only held a few coins, but the man seemed grateful for them regardless. It was then she realized she’d been standing in the same spot for more than five minutes. After glancing down towards the river, she realized she would have to be the one to actually walk there. It wasn’t the distance that got her; it was maybe a three minute walk. No, the hesitation came from the same place it did in horror video games: The realization that, even though you know something horrible is going to happen, the only way forward is for _you_ to walk down the empty hallway. 

In this case, Elsa’s empty hallway was the slight grassy hill and the thin line of trees separating her from the riverbank. From what she could see, Anna wasn’t there yet, but admittedly she couldn’t see much. Seeing no other choice, unable to abandon her sister again, she started down the hill, her heart pounding louder in her ears than any headphones she’d tried.

* * *

As Elsa approached the riverbed, she realized her initial read was incorrect. A tuft of hair matching the color of the sunset was sitting next to a tree, and that tuft was attached to a person. Said person’s face seemed buried in their phone, somewhat oblivious to the world around them. Oblivious enough to not notice Elsa as she approached, and as soon as Elsa could sense this, she nearly turned and ran. 

_It’s Anna._

Her heart exploded in a dazzling rainbow of emotions, stopping her dead in her tracks. _Who the hell else did you expect?_ She was still about fifty feet from Anna, and the younger one still hadn’t noticed her. Elsa’s breath grew shallow as her pulse raced. _Five years. Five years. Five years._ The heavy greyness of guilt took an early lead. She wanted to pretend it was the only thing keeping her from running, but she was starting to have a tough time lying to herself. Shaking her head ever so slightly, body trembling, she took another couple steps forward.

Anna, hearing the rustle of the grass, finally looked up from her phone. Immediately, their eyes met. The moment stretched out like infinity before them, communicating everything and so very little simultaneously, five years and aeons stuffed into the space of seconds. Anna’s turquoise gaze, bound by hope, sent Elsa into a whirlwind, ripping her straight out of any Kansas she was used to. Any walls or barriers she thought she had promptly went up in smoke. 

“Elsa?” Anna’s soft voice pierced the silence. “Is… is that really you?” 

_She doesn’t even believe you’re real._ _Say something. Anything._ All she could muster was a faint “Anna…”

Anna tried to stand, somehow shaking more than Elsa. She braced herself against the tree, finding her way to her feet. Once she was eye level with her older sister, she asked again. “You actually came?”

 _It’s a fair assumption that you wouldn’t._ She tried to eke out an affirmative, but in the end, she just ended up nodding.

Even from a distance, Elsa could tell that tears were starting to come to her little sister. Before she could even open her mouth, however, Anna had closed the gap, grasping her long-lost older sister in tight embrace. She’d wrapped entirely around her arms, so even if she wanted to return the favor, she was physically unable to. It was then that Elsa’s conjecture was confirmed, as she felt the arrhythmic breaths and damp tears that indicated sobbing. She wasn’t entirely sure what to do.

As if she could sense it, though, Anna pulled back apologetically. “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I know that we’re not that close anymore and you probably weren’t expecting that at all I dont want to upset you more than I maybe already have but I needed to know you were real and here and in front of me and not just something I was seeing or made up because that’s happened you know its really weird knowing you’re not really here but seeing you but now you’re actually here and you look really beautiful and I don’t know what to do and--”

She started gasping for air, having not planned another breath. Though fear and guilt were still dominant, Elsa could tell that some of her tenseness had dissipated. _It’s still the Anna I know._ She let hints of a soft smile shine through, and as Anna regained her composure, Elsa took the space to actually _look_ at Anna. 

To call her hair orange would be to call an ocean blue. True at the barest level, but inadequate in nearly every way. It was shades of apricot, honey, ginger, auburn; silken strands that interwove a lattice of intoxicating hues, draped over her shoulders like the train of a carefully constructed gown. Her eyes begat the same linguistic problem, deep and complex, a beauty greater than any words Elsa could conjure. Her delicate pink lips, framed so perfectly by two rosy cheeks. And of course, the cutest little button nose. 

Elsa sighed affectionately. The swirl of colors in her core gave way to the warm violet, opening the slightest little crack in her heart. She could already feel the impulse to dash forward and hold her sister tight, like Anna had just done. _Touch_ her again, with love, the way they used to. _Maybe even give her a quick peck on the lips._

“Elsa…?” came her sister’s voice, tinged with sadness. “You… haven’t said anything, are you… okay…?”

She closed her eyes and shook her head lightly, trying to shake off the last thought that passed through her mind. “Sorry. Hi. Hey. I was… I’m just…” _Deep breath. Finish your sentence._ “It’s really good to see you, Anna.”

Anna’s face softened, even chancing a smile. Elsa couldn’t look away, captivated by her little sister. “It’s good to see you too, Els.”

Another slightly less awkward silence passed between them, before Anna broached it once more. “So… how have you been? _Where_ have you been? It was a heck of a time trying to find you, y’know.”

Elsa considered for a moment before responding. “I’m... good. Been a lot of places. I don’t really like spending too much time in one spot.”

Anna wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, I know, we had this conversation last time. You don’t really wanna be found.”

 _This is already not going well._ She’d hoped for a little more casual conversation before jumping into the Big Question. “...How have you been, Anna? We have a lot to catch up on.”

A hint of humor poked out of Anna’s tone. “We sure do, sis. Gotta say, I’ve had better days. Hoping things will start looking up soon,” she said with a halfhearted chuckle. 

Elsa didn’t know how to reply to that. _This is going poorly. In fact, you’re well on track to have this be maximally disastrous._

“So… I kinda just wanna cut right to the chase.”

 _And there we go. Maximally disastrous._ “The chase?” _Not a great time to play dumb, either._

Anna nodded, then gulped. “You know what I mean.” Her voice was quiet, almost hurt.

Elsa looked down and away. Even with shattered defenses, emotions leaking from cracks in her heart, she knew she couldn’t answer that question, no matter how much she wanted to. It would break the only person she loved more than not answering would. So, she responded in kind. “You know I can’t answer that.”

The reply was immediate, and powerful. “The hell you can’t!” screamed Anna. “You can’t keep fucking doing this to me!” She paused for breath. “It’s been seven years, Elsa. Whatever bullshit thing you were dealing with has to have passed. I don’t even care what it is anymore, it just hurts so much that you won’t tell me!”

Elsa turned her back, as much to obscure Anna’s tears as to hide her own. She sucked in through her teeth, preparing to deliver her next line with as much finality as she could.

“No. I should go.” She started to walk away slowly, heart on fire, eyes dripping, color unknown. Part of her couldn’t believe she was walking away from her sister like this, while the other part fully expected it. She couldn’t tell whether she was sad or relieved. Probably both.

Out of nowhere, a ring of pure flame enveloped her with a _woosh_ , creating a barrier some four feet high. Elsa froze, unable to comprehend this turn of events. Her only thoughts were a mess of confusion.

“You’re not running away again. I won’t let you.”

Elsa slowly looked back towards Anna. The timidness from earlier was gone, replaced by rage and sadness. Her legs now stood shoulder width apart, arms flared out, hands wreathed in flame. Her welcoming cerulean eyes had become a bright, fiery red. 

“...Anna?”

A wall of pure flame wouldn’t be near enough to hold Elsa captive, but that was not the only force binding her to that spot. Comprehension waited politely at her doorstep while she sorted out her thoughts. Her eyes traced paths from Anna’s hands, to the flame, then back to her eyes, which had become as bright as her hair. Those silken strands, in turn, splayed out behind her, as though a light headwind were constantly blowing. 

_Anna… did this?_ As the bafflement resolved itself, she began to see exactly what was going on. _She is doing this._ Her sister’s intense gaze drilled holes in her chest, as she finally felt, for the first time, the pain she had caused her in a very real and immediate way.

_Anna can manipulate fire._

She tried to ask the obvious question, but stumbled over her words. “When… how… did you…?”

Anna, having felt as though she made her point, released the tension in her arms, and the wall of flame died down, leaving a ring of burnt grass surrounding Elsa. The blonde didn’t budge, so she granted an explanation. “Not too long after Mom and Dad died. I was… having a hard time, to say the least. And then I noticed that I started leaving little burn marks on some of the stuff I was touching? And that was like, really weird, and kind of upsetting? But then I had a night out with my friends, and we started getting into an intense argument, and someone said something that made me really mad, like, _really_ mad, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone, so I just punched the wall instead.” She made a punching motion with her hands. “And when I did, it had like, fire? Like, around my fist? Like I was a Pokemon or something doing Fire Punch. Thank god my friends were cool about it.”

Elsa just stared at her younger sister, who had gone from an intimidating, furious being, back to her awkward rambly self. More cracks, right where she didn’t need them. She was witnessing how she was affecting her younger sister firsthand, and it stung in a deep place she forgot she could be hurt.

“I… I was always kind of jealous of you, Elsa.” Her voice had gone from a steely anger to a meandering recount to a quiet timidness in the space of a couple minutes. “I know you were like, really scared when you found out about the ice. But also… It was incredible to see. It’s the kind of thing that only happens to people in fantasy stories. Maybe I just don’t know what it was like having ice powers, but, man, I always thought you were so cool.” With a small giggle and a hint of a smile, she added, “Pun definitely intended.”

 _Good god. That smile. Forget fire, all she needs to melt ice is that entrancing smile._ “I’m… I don’t know what to say. That’s amazing.”

“It is pretty rad, huh,” said Anna, trying to spread her smile a little wider. Elsa’s heart flipped in her chest, screaming with grey and blue and violet and… a new color? It wasn’t red like passion or rage, yellow like desire, or violet like… It was a blend, filling her with an emotion long lost to her: hope.

With Anna’s rage and pain and sadness laid out on the table, and the hope card she now found in her hand, the playing field had been completely upturned, and Elsa was on the verge of breaking. She’d spent the last seven years building walls, hiding secrets, numbing herself to not only her own pain, but to everyone else’s. On an intellectual level, she knew she’d hurt people by closing herself off. She’d always justified it by claiming the truth would hurt more. But now, when the hurt she had caused confronted her face-to-face, her excuses seemed weak and flimsy. 

“I…” Elsa started. “I… I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Tears started to flow. Cold started to seep out from her feet, frosting the burnt grass. “I did this to you. I can’t believe I’ve been doing this to you. I’ve been hurting you for so long. I--I--I…” With a couple sharp, stuttered breaths, she fell to her knees, crushed by guilt. The lump in her throat forced her voice into a hoarse whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

Anna just stood there, unsure of how to respond to this sudden outburst. 

Elsa took another couple of labored breaths, trying and failing to pick herself back up off the ground. “I… I understand if you hate me.” She couldn’t look at her sister. “I hate me too.”

It was quiet for a moment while Elsa shut her eyes, shutting out the world around her, endeavoring to reign in the harsh black self hate. She felt uncomfortably hot despite the lack of heat. When she could finally open them again, Anna was sitting a couple feet in front of her, staring at her with… softness? Elsa’s brain wasn’t prepared for that.

“I’m upset at you.” Anna was very clear with her words. “Seven years of someone running away from you will do that. So yeah, I’m pissed. I’m hurt. I’ve cried myself to sleep for years over this, and all of that isn’t gonna just go away immediately.” _Alright, keep twisting the goddamn knife._ The sobs returned, in almost greater force. This was more what she expected.

“But I don’t hate you. I can’t.”

_?????????????????????_

Elsa’s brain couldn’t even muster words, just an endless loop of bewilderment. How could Anna not hate her? After all she did to her?

“I’m your sister, dummy. No matter how hard it gets, I’m always gonna love you.”

That was too much. Elsa’s heart shattered, leaving mere bits and pieces of the iron enclosure she’d worked so hard to build. Rainbow flickers shot through every vein, each pulse bringing a new color to the forefront. She collapsed in a sobbing fit, unable to even sit upright any longer. Somewhere in the back of her mind, the words _maximally disastrous_ flickered by. However, before her head could hit the grass, it was caught by a soft, delicate hand.

Anna had darted forward to catch her, putting aside any animosity she felt. Elsa felt her sensitive touch cradle her head and caress her arm, and in that moment, the violet took a decisive victory. She clutched her younger sister tight, sobbing into her in much the same way Anna had done mere minutes prior. This time, however, there was no pull back. Anna gently stroked her shoulders, doing what she could to calm her older sister. 

They sat together for what felt like hours, but in reality was only a few minutes. As Elsa began to quiet her cries, the only sound remaining was the mellow rush of the river. The ambience helped calm her fractured emotions. Eventually, Anna rustled a hand through her sister’s still nearly impeccable blonde mane, signaling that it was time to sit up. Elsa complied, still trembling as she reluctantly left her sister’s warm embrace. It was a labored effort to get herself sitting upright, cross-legged, but she did, and Anna took Elsa’s left hand in her right.

“Hey you,” Anna ventured with a warm smile. “Welcome back.”

The lump in Elsa’s throat hadn’t completely disappeared. “H-hey,” she stuttered. “I’m… I’m so sorry. You probably didn’t… _sniff_ … come here for that.”

Anna snorted. “Not gonna lie, that was actually one of the two things I wanted most.”

Elsa looked at her with confusion, a feeling she was becoming all too familiar with. “You… wanted to hold me... while I broke down?” _Why’d you put so much emphasis on being held?_

“I mean, not really, well, not exactly that part,” stumbled Anna. “I was… I was hoping for an apology. And I think I just got one.”

 _An apology? That’s all she wanted? You ran for seven years, and all she wanted was for you to say you’re sorry?_ She couldn’t help but ask that out loud. “You… you just wanted an apology? After all I’ve done?”

“Well…” Anna started. “I’m really happy you apologized, but I did say ‘one of the two things’.” She almost looked guilty. _She has no need to be guilty. I’m the one that’s hurt her. Repeatedly._ The self-hate had settled in comfortably, but something in the way Anna touched her, held her, spoke to her, disrupted its presence in her head. “And, gotta be honest, the second one’s both waaay more important, and probably a lot harder for both of us!” _Oh. Fuck. Right._

_This is it._

“So… I know you know what I’m gonna ask, but I’m still gonna ask it anyway. And this time, no more running. Please. I can’t take it anymore. And from what I just saw, I don’t think you can either.”

Both sisters knew that Anna’s fire was no match for Elsa’s ice, especially with the years of refinement she’d had. Both sisters also knew, however, that that wasn’t what was keeping Elsa from running. 

“So please. I need to know why you left. And why you keep running from me.” Her eyes were glassy, tears held in only by hope. “I don’t care what it is. I don’t care how bad it is. Anything in the world. I just… I need to know, Elsa. It’s torn me apart for seven years.”

Not once in her seven years of running did it occur to her that she might actually have to tell Anna. In fact, her entire plan was centered around the idea that she would never tell a single soul. So now, with no possible outs other than straight ahead, she struggled to find the words to tell her sister how she felt about her.

“I… you… I was… You…” She stuttered around for what seemed like an eternity to both of them. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise. It was never you.”

“Then what was it, Elsa?” Anna was growing exasperated, before a look of dismay crossed her face. “Did _you_ do something awful?”

“No, I didn’t--well, yes, kind of, sort of. I didn’t, well, I didn’t _do_ anything specifically, but--” The words were falling out of her faster than she could process them, so she stopped, took a deep breath, and stated, “I love you, Anna.”

Anna wrinkled her nose. “Well, that’s nice to hear? I love you too, Elsa, but I don’t see what that has to do with--”

“No,” Elsa cut her off. “Not like that.” She closed her eyes and took another deep breath in, and then out. When she opened them, she stared deep into her sister’s eyes, back to their fathomless turquoise, starry with anticipation. _This is the end of everything you’ve done for the past seven years._

“I’m in love with you, Anna.”

Confusion, at first. Anna had raised an eyebrow, and her brow furrowed, processing what her older sister had just confessed. Elsa was burning inside, with impulses screaming to run, but that point long since passed. She was sure her face was pure red. Then, realization. Anna’s eyes opened wide as she took it in and understood. “Y…You mean in like, the…”

Elsa just nodded, almost imperceptibly.

Anna could only repeat the last word she’d said while the gears turned. “The… the…” And then, Elsa’s heart sank as she watched horror spread across her sister’s perfect face. _This is why we ran. I was right all along._ “I uh…” Anna was still making sounds, but not making words, until she finally managed, “I… need to… uh… go…”

It was Elsa’s turn for her eyes to widen. _This is exactly why we told nobody. The truth hurts more than the darkness._ Anna stood up, slowly at first, and started backing away, eventually breaking out into a sprint as Elsa got up to give chase. 

“Anna! Wait! Please!” Elsa cried after her. “I can explain!”

But Anna didn’t respond. With all logic long since gone, she was operating on pure instinct. An ice shard formed in her hands, and she loosed it at Anna with a wordless cry, who noticed in time to quickly spin around and blast it with flame, melting the shard. As she ran off into the night, Elsa slowed to a stop, eventually falling onto her knees again. Anna had just done to her what she’d done to Anna so many years ago, and in that moment she truly realized how much it hurt to be abandoned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much for a regular update schedule huh
> 
> also, it seems like the longer chapters are here to stay


	15. What Came Next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm still alive!! been super busy lately but i am still working on this! thank you for reading <3

Two hours had passed and Elsa was still sitting by the river. She stared endlessly into its glassy surface, looking for any sort of answer to the only question on her mind. _Why?_ She was long past berating herself. Absentmindedly, she conjured a small rounded ice stone in her right hand; turning it over and over in her hands, hoping maybe it would tell her. _When I knew exactly how bad it would go?_ Finding little other than cold blue in the stone, she threw it across the river, watching it skip twice before landing with a little _plunk_. 

_It happened exactly as you predicted. Could the outcome have been any more obvious?_ Okay, maybe she wasn’t past berating herself. _You really are stupid. Or weak. Possibly both._ She brought her legs closer into her chest. _Look at you now. You were alone before, and now you’re alone and heartbroken._ Her arms wrapped around her knees with a squeeze. _It’s pretty pathetic, if I’m being honest._

_You deserve this._

It almost felt like there was someone else inside her head, castigating her for the actions they had warned her against. This wasn’t new, but never before had it been so clear. _Alright, who are you?_ she asked pointedly. _I’ve always thought you were just me, but I’m not so sure right now._

 _I am a part of you, as you are a part of me,_ the voice responded.

Elsa let out an exasperated sigh. _I absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, do not have time for cryptic messages._

 _I’m not speaking in riddles. I’m a part of you. From the looks of it, I’m the logical, sensible side._

_And what does that make me?_ Elsa asked.

_My guess? The useless emotional side._

A flash of red crossed her vision. _Fuck you._

 _If I recall correctly, I was warning us against this the whole time._ Was the voice… being smug?

At this point, Elsa realized that she was _talking to a voice in her head_. One that was saying horrible things, no less. Had what just happened broken her this much? Was she just desperate for answers, for company? Had she always been like this? 

As if on cue, the voice cut in again. _Yes to that last one. Or at least, for a while._

Elsa rolled her eyes. _Oh, shut the hell up._

_Abandoning from the only person you’ve ever loved leaves behind some scars. And apparently, so does being abandoned._

_This is too much. I can’t deal with all of this on top of being crazy. Not right now. Go away, please, so I can forget about you and just, try to figure out how to be okay._

For a second, it almost felt like her request had been fulfilled, when: _No. This would be even harder for us without both._

She had stood up, and was pacing now, little spurts of icy mist spurting out of her fingertips whenever she flailed her hands. _The hell do you mean?_

_We each have our own pain._

_So why can’t you just disappear and take your pain with you?!_ It was a question she already knew the answer to.

 _I am a part of you,_ the voice explained. _If I disappear, my pain needs to go somewhere._

With no response to that, Elsa slowed her pace, staring into the river once more. In her current state, she actually didn’t care if the voice was real or fake or even what exactly it was. She was devastated, and there was someone there with her, albeit inside her own mind. The voice was right, it probably would be harder without it here. She asked it the only other question she could think of.

_So. What do I call you? “The voice in my head” is a little wordy._

_My name is Snow. Nice to properly meet you, Elsa._

Elsa was a little taken aback by the wording of the voice’s… No, Snow’s response. Nevertheless, she returned the greeting.

_It’s nice to meet you too, I guess. Snow._

The icy grey and blue that had enveloped her immediately after Anna’s desertion had started to dull, enough to let Elsa tear herself away from the river. Still, even with her apparent companion, guilt and sadness laid thick in her throat. She pushed herself towards the bus stop, suddenly craving the familiarity of her apartment. Unfortunately, given the time and day, the ride home was somehow more deserted, leaving her with too much time to think.

It was pretty goddamn stupid. Snow had assured her of that much, and she couldn’t help but agree. It… was her fault, wasn’t it. Snow had warned her repeatedly, and she knew they were right. Anna was her sister. Sisters don’t fall in love with each other. That happened in the royal families of old, and is now looked upon as disgusting. _I… am kind of gross. I feel gross._

_Well, yeah, you should. Normal, decent people don’t fall in love with their sisters._

As much as she did appreciate not being entirely alone, Snow was not exactly the most helpful.

 _All you had to do was not. And then you did! And look at where we are._ Elsa gulped back more tears. She’d cried enough already, and she did _not_ want to cry in public. _So, yes. Disgusting._

She was disgusted with herself, sure. Snow clearly was as well. When she reached down inside herself, though, down into her heart, she didn’t find disgust. Despite the color of the past two hours, she found specks of violet still floating in the sea of blue, shattered but not entirely gone. Anna’s face flashed in her mind, her adorable, radiant, faultless visage sending Elsa’s heart into calisthenics. Something in that face just spoke to her, on a level beyond language. That moment she made eye contact… It was as though she was rocketed directly back to that night, seven years ago, when she first realized her feelings. 

_When I fell in love._

Her chest started to feel warm; not the uncomfortable kind of warm, where you’re hoping for relief, but the kind of warmth that holds you close and lets you know everything will be alright. She wanted to believe that warmth so badly. She wanted to believe that, at some point, she would gaze deep into those ocean green eyes again, maybe even hold that soft, delicate hand. And maybe… just maybe…

 _You aren’t going to kiss her,_ the asshole in her head piped in. _Did you see how she looked at you?_

The hope drained out of her as did the color from her face, as she recalled their last moments. The clear shift from sadness and anger, to confusion, to… revulsion. Fear. In an instant, Elsa had fallen from hopeful to despondent. Her mind’s eye lingered on her sister’s face, tinged with that disgust, as she began to understand what Anna communicated with that look. The concepts swirled around in her head, dancing together and apart, until--

 _She thinks you to be a monster._ Snow got right to the point.

And that was it. She couldn’t hold back the waterworks any longer. Still a few stops away from home, she began to sob, alone in the back of the bus. Snow was right. This was so much worse than saying nothing. Hating herself was easy. In fact, it was natural. That started long before she disappeared. Knowing, not with words but with one arguably more powerful look, that her sister now hated her, found her _repulsive_. Sharp, acute blue shot through every vein, filling her entirely. She wasn’t sure whether her next thoughts were hers or Snow’s.

_The only person you’ve ever loved thinks you’re a revolting creep._

When it pulled up to her stop, she was off the bus faster than she thought she could move. Consciously, she pushed to bring her sorry ass up to her apartment, for whatever amounts of food or sleep she could manage. Her body had a different plan, however, and once again, she found herself in the basement of the hospital. There was no rage, no crimson to let out this time. In the middle of the room, she encased herself in a huge sphere of ice, laying against the cold barrier between her and the outside world. It was just her and the blue.

* * *

The fact that Elsa had attacked her, like, _literally attacked her with ice,_ barely even registered. That had come after Elsa’s confession, and anything that happened after that went in one ear and out the other. She wasn’t fully aware how she’d defended herself, or even exactly what she said. Hell, she could barely remember what had happened _before_ the confession at this point. The only words bouncing around inside her head were the six that she’d spent literal years searching for. 

_I’m in love with you, Anna._

Anna didn’t know what to do. She was alone in a completely unfamiliar city, overwhelmed by emotions she couldn’t put names to. She had run for minutes, following the river north, leading her to a part of town that looked a whole lot less friendly than the one she was just near. At some point, she’d collapsed against a large tree trunk, sobbing. Heat welled up within her, normally a comforting sensation, but right now she was considering diving into the river just to get away from it. 

She’d sat there for minutes on end, turning into hours; anytime she tried to steel herself to think, the tears would well back up, dominating her headspace for another twenty minutes. This went on until she was finally able to drag herself to the edge of the river, take off her shoes, and dip her toes in. Much to her relief, the water was on the brink of freezing, and it gave off a little steam as her burning skin came into contact. The sharpness of the cold mixed with the respite from the heat brought her back to reality, enough so she could actually process her sister’s words.

_Elsa is in love with me._

Turning it around like that made it much more immediate, and Anna gasped. _Elsa is in love with me. Elsa is_ attracted _to me._ She ran the thoughts over in her head a few times before chancing to say one out loud. “Elsa is in love with me.”

Something about speaking it made her heart explode in a dizzying rainbow of unknown color, before fading back into a confused but restrained mess. So, she tried it again. “Elsa is _in love with_ me.” There it was again, that screaming chaos of emotion. “Elsa is in love with me. Elsa is attracted to me.” Every time she said it, her chest would burst, filling her with sadness and anger and fear and… relief? And… joy? As Anna identified the positive emotions, she became even more baffled. “Elsa…”

 _My sister is attracted to me._ It had finally sunk in. Anna laid backwards, still with her feet in the ice cold river. Now all she had to do was make sense of how she felt about it. She stared up at the sky, which had gone dark a few hours ago. Through the tips of the trees, she could make out one or two little pinpoints of light. Feeling more lost than ever, she sent a wish out to those lights, hoping that by some miracle she would be able to sort these feelings out in short order. Moments after she did, though, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. It was continuous, too, not just a text. When she pulled it out, she noticed twenty-four unread messages from Olaf. Even in her addled state, it took her all of three seconds to put together who was calling. Though it took a couple tries to get it set, she eventually sat her phone next to her head.

“Anna? Are you there? Are you alive? What’s going on?” came a slightly panicked voice from the other end of the line. Olaf was not known to be a worrywart, but this was certainly a special occasion. 

“Hey,” Anna said weakly. “I’m alive.”

“Okay good good! Always glad to hear that. How did the meeting with Elsa go? She still loves you, right? I know she does, she’s your sister! You two are probably hanging out right now, tell her hi for me!”

 _Yyyyyyyep should’ve expected this._ “I’ll… I’ll be back at the hotel soon. I’ll give you the rundown.” She tried her best to add any hint of positivity in her voice, but she must’ve failed.

“Hey, are you okay?” asked Olaf. “You don’t sound super happy.”

“I’ll see you in a bit, Olaf.” _Click._ Anna aggressively did not want to explain the situation to Olaf. Then again, she didn’t have many other confidants. At the very least, he’d be as nonjudgemental as a person can be. She sighed, letting out a long, slow exhale. She had the entire way back to the motel to figure out how to tell him what happened, so after calling an Uber, she wracked her brain.

How could she explain the situation to Olaf if she didn’t quite understand it herself? Well, okay, she knew what her sister had said. The problem was that she had not one iota of an idea how to feel about it. On the surface level, she knew that obviously it was really weird, and not okay. It was wrong. Sisters are not, under any circumstances, supposed to have those feelings for each other. Anna had been horrified in the moment, instinctually. And then, of course, there were all the other feelings. A secret kept for so many years hurts no matter what. If she was being honest with herself, she was a little fearful of Elsa now. Would she ever… act on it? Could someone so beautiful and pure act on feelings that are that _wrong_?

Nevertheless, down in the pit of her stomach that was currently tied into multiple knots, a bright yellow joy had taken root. It was impossible to identify directly, and Anna still overall felt weird and gross about the confession, but she could tell that there was a seed of positivity somewhere in the writhing mass in her chest. When Elsa had looked at her, for the first time in five years, with those bright blue piercing eyes, Anna felt immediately like she did when she was 16, and Elsa had taken her to that party. Like her sister had never left. It was the same look she gave her in the car, the one that spoke nothing but pure love.

She stumbled into the motel room, still lost in thought. Olaf had already returned, and he greeted her with a hug, which Anna was _definitely_ not prepared for. She struggled awkwardly against his arms until he finally relented. He followed that up with the obvious question, and she did her best to answer.

“Well… it went… not perfectly, you could say… Bad. It went badly.”

Olaf pulled back a little, genuinely surprised. “What? Bad like how?”

Anna started talking before she realized she had no plan for the sentence. “Bad like, it was nice to see her, I guess, but also… a really… weird… thing happened.”

“What kind of thing? You’re like, really bad at this details thing, huh,” Olaf said offhand.

“Weird like… I don’t know if I want to… see her again?” Anna responded, surprising even herself.

“Wait, what? Excuse me? Aren’t you two sisters? Aren’t sisters supposed to like, love each other and stuff?” 

Anna took a deep breath in and realized that she wasn’t getting out of this. “Yeah, well, that’s sort of the problem right there.”

Olaf had no idea what she meant by that. “I have no idea what you mean by that.”

Anna closed her eyes and gritted her teeth slightly. “She does love me, just, not in the way that she should. She likes me, Olaf.”

“Well that sounds like a good thing? Like, if that’s true, then she clearly doesn’t hate you, like you’ve talked to me about for the past forty days straight?” Oh, poor Olaf. He really doesn’t get it. 

“It’s… well…. It’s complicated.” She was always very good at understatements. “I mean she _likes_ me, Olaf. Like that Hans oaf who liked me for years. She made it clear it wasn’t just sisterly love. That’s the problem.”

Understanding hit Olaf like a freight train. “Oh… OH. Oh. Gotcha. Yeah that is pretty bad, isn’t it. Not ideal…”

Anna took a couple more deep breaths, followed by an announcement. “I need to shower. Don’t worry if I’m in there for what seems like too long. I promise, I’m fine.” It was unconvincing, but Olaf rarely needed convincing. 

As she stepped into the ice-cold shower, she tried to picture that water purifying her, washing her clean of all the color bursting inside her chest. Her sister had just told her that she’s in love with her. _Disgust would be a proper reaction,_ she thought to herself. _Horror. Shock._ She turned around, getting her stomach wet and cold. _Not this mess of emotion, and_ certainly _not that little seed of happiness. Hell, that’s probably just there cuz Elsa doesn’t outright hate me._

But something in her heart told her it was more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plural Elsa was a thing i've been considering for this story and was kind of writing towards anyways, and it just felt right to bring it out in this chapter. i've found Elsa easier to write than Anna because she mirrors a lot of my experience and feelings, and especially that inner monologue (now dialogue, heh) is very similar to mine.


	16. Memory III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's see what Anna's side of the story is

~Seven Years Ago~

“C’monnn, we’re gonna be late!” Anna whined. She was already anxious about going, not that she’d let it show, and being late only worsened the feeling.

Elsa sighed. “Yes, we’re going to be late, to a party. It’s definitely possible to be late to a party.”

“But it’s my first one!!” Anna continued. She grasped Elsa’s arm to emphasize the gravity of the situation. It was soft, smooth, perfect like usual. “You’ve been to like, five!”

“Trust me, Anna, they’re not as cool as they seem in movies.”

“Maybe for _you_ ,” Anna said, sticking out her tongue in defiance. “I actually enjoy being around people.”

“Oof. I’ll need some ice for that burn.” A smirk spread across Elsa’s face, and Anna felt herself blush a little. 

“You and your ice puns! When will it end?!” Anna was grinning as well. She loved their banter.

“As soon as you stop roasting me.”

“Never!” Anna exclaimed as she got in the car. “Stop being so roastable!”

Elsa started the car without a word. Anna started to panic. Did she go too far this time? “Oh my god I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that I know you have friends and you’re taking me to this party please don’t change your mind I’m sorry I’m sorry--”

She stopped as she felt a soft hand rustle her poof of fiery orange hair. Her sea green eyes looked up and met her sister’s icy blue. Despite their piercing hue, they carried a softness and affection that always gave Anna a feeling she couldn’t explain. Something that told her everything would be okay. Something that made her feel warm inside, like a campfire on a cold night warms the outside. 

With a jolt, the car started down the driveway. Anna had gotten so lost in that moment that she almost forgot she was going to a party. A deep breath brought her all the way back to reality.

“I know. If I minded, you’d know,” Elsa said, breaking the comfortable silence. She handed Anna a small black cord. “Tunes?”

“Yes please,” Anna said. Her sister’s music was not exactly a great preamble to such an event. “Sigur Rós is not the mood for tonight.” She punched in _Dorian Electra_ and the windows began rattling at the first signs of bass. 

As they crossed through the suburban streets, Anna was singing (screaming) along to every word she knew, and most she didn’t. Their parents rarely let her out of the house because of their _stupid_ religious convictions and _stupid_ anxieties and she hated it. Though, truth be told, she was more upset that she rarely got to see Elsa. That one wasn’t her parents’ fault. That was Elsa’s fault. In Anna’s highly professional opinion, Elsa took on too much, whether it be schoolwork, extracurriculars, chores, you name it. She was constantly busy, and it left almost no time for them to just, _be_ together. So, Anna cherished moments like these deeply. With Elsa going off to college soon, she wasn’t sure how many more of them they’d have.

“Wait this is it this is it this is it!” Anna could feel her heart pounding as they pulled up.

“You think?” Elsa said with a snicker. Anna knew it was obvious, but she was having a hard time containing her excitement.

As soon as they got out of the car, Anna could hear the music and buzz of conversation, even from the half-mile away they were able to find a spot. She took Elsa’s hand in hers as they walked up, an easy, practiced motion, leaving them woven together tightly. Some random guy shouted at them, and Elsa nodded back, but Anna wasn’t really paying attention. 

As intense as the outside was, it didn’t even so much as imply the power of the scene inside. As soon as they opened the door, the stench of alcohol and the thump of the subwoofer hit her full force. It was overwhelming in truly the best way. For a more social person like Anna, it felt like being a kid in a candy store, except instead of candy, the place was full of interesting people with interesting stories. Though she cherished being with her sister, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

“Hey, I’m gonna go like, talk to people, okay?” Anna felt a little bad, but like, she couldn’t _not_. It was her first party. “You go find Honey or something or whatever it is you do at parties.”

Anna didn’t even pick up on Elsa’s pause. “Alright, but remember, three drinks maximum, no more than two in an hour, and we’re leaving at one, okay?”

“I know, I know!” Anna said, already drifting into the crowds that blotted the ground floor. For a while, she just wandered, surveying the landscape, though it was difficult to tell any part of the house from any other part, as almost every square inch of floor was covered with people. Hell, even the music seemed to be an illusion, coming from multiple rooms around the whole place. Eventually, though, she ran into (literally collided with) a couple of her friends, who led her over to what she presumed was the kitchen. 

“Oh my god, this is your first house party, isn’t it??” Rapunzel asked excitedly, almost bouncing up and down. “Let me make you a drink in honor of this occasion!”

“Okay, but you do have to sample the punch at some point,” Mulan said. “I spent quite a while getting it just right.”

Rapunzel laughed. Her almost waist-length golden blonde hair seemed to laugh along with her. “Yeah, if by just right, you mean can’t taste the alcohol!”

Mulan smirked. “Then I’ve done my job,” she said slyly. “You’re not supposed to taste the alcohol in punch.”

Rapunzel presented some sort of golden-red beverage to Anna. She took it somewhat reluctantly and examined it, causing the other two girls to giggle. 

“What’re ya lookin’ for, Annie?” Rapunzel was the only person on earth who could get away with calling her that. “I promise it’s good. Punzel Seal Of Approval.”

Anna sniffed it, and it reminded her of the time she tried to cover up the gasoline canister in the garage spilling with her peach perfume. “How much alcohol is _in_ this?” she asked. “It smells like a gas station.”

Rapunzel took a sniff of it herself. “A gas station _with peaches,_ ” she intoned. “That’s how you know it’s good. And uh, I don’t, exactly know? I just eyeballed the rum, so like, two...three… Shots? Maybe?”

Anna rolled her eyes. Typical Rapunzel. That “three drink” limit her sister imposed certainly wasn’t going to last. It was no big deal. Elsa couldn’t stay mad at her, she never could. Besides, Elsa was cute when she was mad.

“Alright, bottoms up, I guess,” Anna said, much to the other girls’ delight. The drink tasted much better than it smelled, thankfully. Before she knew it, it was already half gone. 

“Well?” Rapunzel waited with bated breath for the review.

“That was… better than the scent implied, gotta say. Not entirely gross.” She took another swig. “Honestly, the peach really adds to it. I’d be happy just drinking this all night.”

“But you’re going to try the punch, right?” Mulan asked. “Because I worked really hard on that, to get it just right--”

“Yeah, yeah, I will, I promise!” Anna replied dutifully. “It’s funny, though, I’m not really feeling anything yet? I haven’t really had much alcohol in my life, and I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk, so I won’t really know if I’m drunk, but I feel pretty much the same as usual, so maybe I should drink more? Or maybe you underestimated how much you put in, which is fine! I want to start slowly, and I at least wanna pretend that I’m sticking to Elsa’s three drink rule, which I generally think is a good--whoa--!”

In trying to stand up and stop leaning against the wall, she’d overshot a little and started to fall the other way. Fortunately, that was directly into her friends, and the girls helped her back into a steady position. She felt a bit woozy, like the time she’d accidentally had a bit too much wine at Thanksgiving dinner. 

Rapunzel giggled. “I don’t think you need to worry about me undershooting.” 

Anna nodded along. “No, I, uh… whoof. I think you’re right.”

“How are you feeling?” asked Mulan, a hint of worry on her face. 

“Great! I mean, I did almost fall over, but other than that I’m awesome!” She wasn’t lying, this did feel kind of awesome. She felt like she just wanted to talk more? And dance. And hang out with her friends, and people she didn’t know. She wondered for a moment where Elsa was, before Rapunzel began tugging on her arm.

“C’mon, let’s go upstairs! I heard a bunch of people are gonna be playing truth or dare!” 

Anna downed the rest of her drink and mentally shrugged. Why not? It sounded kinda fun, if a bit cliche.

“...But you’re gonna try the punch, right?” Mulan was starting to sound a little sad, so Anna picked up an empty Solo cup and swished it through the bowl, picking up a good amount of radioactive pink liquid. She gave Mulan a reassuring smile, and Mulan seemed to relax as they headed for the stairs.

Upstairs was an ever so slightly more relaxed scene. As the three girls stumbled into the bedroom, they found an already solid circle of people shooting questions back and forth at each other. It seemed too early in the night for anyone to be brave enough to pick dare. They found a seat, and some guy Anna only sort of recognized fired a question at the redhead sitting a few feet to their left.

“Hey, Merida, who’s got the biggest dick you’ve taken?”

“How should I know, I don’t fockin measure ‘em!” the redhead responded with a thick accent compounded with vitriol. “Though, I will say, Eugene lays some nice fockin pipe, eh, Punz?”

This made Rapunzel turn bright red, but even so, she nodded in agreement. The guys tittered amongst themselves, apparently finding this humorous. Anna took a sip of the punch. Rapunzel was right, she couldn’t even taste the alcohol. It mostly just tasted like Kool-aid, which made it all the easier to drink.

“Alroight, Anna, time to bring the new gal into it,” Merida said with a flourish. “Truth or dare.”

Anna stopped mid-gulp, already scared of what the question would be. “Uhhh… truth.”

“Prettiest bitch in school. Go.”

It was no secret Anna played for every team, but rarely had anyone been so forward about it. She didn’t really have a good answer, either, so she stumbled around for a few minutes before saying something she would’ve rather not said. 

“Uh… um… I mean… I don’t know… I’m not dating anyone and I don’t have a crush right now so I don’t really have someone in mind, like, I guess, maybe, uh, Elsa?”

Most people just nodded, seeing it as a cop-out answer. A few people groaned. Some of the guys nodded in actual concurrence. She could feel her heart palpitate, though, as she downed the rest of the punch; a part of her knew it was more honest than cop-out. Mulan leaned down and whispered, “Smooth.” Anna took a deep breath and fired at someone else, hopefully to get the heat off her. 

“Gaston. Your turn.” The obscenely muscled dude across the room turned his head slightly, as though he were entirely unbothered. 

“Truth,” he snorted.

Anna smirked. “Who’s got the best ass on the football team?”

Gaston wrinkled his nose, a bit put off by the homosexual implications, but he caught himself and gave a simple answer: “Me, of course.”

The truths continued to pass back and forth until the crowd was drunk enough to start accepting dares. Anna was through two more cups of punch, well past whatever limits Elsa had set (Anna preferred the word “suggested”). She couldn’t even keep herself from giggling when another one of the guys was dared to give Gaston a lapdance. Eventually, the game made its way back around to her, and from the liquid courage coursing through her veins, the word “dare” escaped her lips without a second thought.

“I dare you…” the asker thought for a moment. “...to go tie your shirt to the tree outside. From the roof.”

Mulan and Rapunzel both looked at Anna, but she already had her shirt halfway off. 

“She’s either really drunk or really stubborn,” Mulan whispered to Rapunzel.

Rapunzel giggled. “Absolutely both.”

As Anna climbed out through the window onto the roof, she started stumbling around, prompting Mulan to dash out to steady her. Within a couple minutes, though, her t-shirt was tied squarely around the closest branch, blowing in the wind, leaving her with just jeans and a lacy white bra. When she crawled back through the window, murmurs of “damn” and “nice” spread through the room. A short while after, the game started to fizzle out, and the crowd dispersed back downstairs for more drinks. Mulan and Rapunzel followed Anna down into the main room, still shirtless. 

Anna was too drunk to notice her sister in the corner, staring at her for a little too long. She was much too distracted to notice Elsa subsequently dashing off to the bathroom, beet red. Her friends led her back to the drink table, excited to keep the party going. However, minutes later, she found herself moving to the music, unable to keep the dance contained, even getting up on a table. 

Mulan and Rapunzel cheered her on. “Daaaaamn, bitch, work it!” A couple people started to gather around her table, when Elsa popped out of the bathroom and beelined over to Anna.

“Anna, are you alright? We should probably leave soon.” Elsa asked as she grabbed Anna’s hand. 

“I’m doing great!! This is the best party ever! Thank you soooooo much for taking me,” she slurred, leaning forward and almost falling into Elsa’s arms. When she finally got the wherewithal to look at her sister, a powerful warmth spread through her, unlike the heat of the alcohol. Elsa really _was_ beautiful. Soft, smooth skin, hair that spilled out like a waterfall of sunlight, a smile that could melt glaciers, eyes that were deeper than the ocean itself. Anna found herself completely lost in them for what felt like hours, before Elsa spoke again.

“Well, it’s almost one. We should get going.” Even her voice was like a siren song, drawing the redhead in with every word.

“Aww, but I was just starting to have fun!” Anna complained. She rolled over on the table, giving her sister her cutest pout.

Elsa pursed her lips. _Her gorgeous, gorgeous lips,_ Anna thought. “It’s getting late. We don’t want mom and dad pissed at us.” 

Anna wracked her fuzzy brain for something that would convince Elsa to stay. “But Elsaaaaaaaa. What if I gave you. A kiss on the cheek?” It was getting a little tough to talk, but she offered something she knew she’d like, so hopefully Elsa would like it.

Elsa looked surprised. “No, we really should go. Now.” 

“Okaaaaaayyyyy,” Anna said, knowing that she couldn’t win this fight. However, she could still bargain. “But only if I can sit in your lap on the drive home.”

Elsa paused again, before going, “Sure. Alright. We need to go now.” Very firmly, Elsa grabbed Anna’s hand, and pulled her through the crowd and out the door. Anna nearly fell over at a couple points, each time directly into Elsa’s embrace. She would be lying if she said the third one wasn’t on purpose. Whenever her sister’s arms wrapped around her, she felt whole, a comfort that nobody else could give. Her heart pounded as they crawled into the car, and she positioned herself on Elsa’s lap, feeling her sister’s arms snake around her as she drove. 

* * *

Even through all of the alcohol, Anna knew she would remember how she felt this night for a long time. She loved Elsa. _It’s normal sisterly love,_ she told herself in the morning. _We have a strong bond, especially because I barely get to see her. So I gotta heap it on when I can._ Anna was digging through her closet for the perfect church dress, when she stopped herself. _Wait, I don’t need to justify this to myself. Why do I feel like I gotta do that?_ She shook her head, resuming her search.

When she eventually traipsed down the stairs, Elsa was already down in the front hall, dress, makeup, and hair impeccably done. Anna called out a singsongy good morning to her, attempting a twirl as she reached the bottom of the stairs. Her eyes caught her sister’s gaze, and it was enough to distract her for the key final moments of the twirl, leading to a _thud_ as she crashed to the floor.

Elsa reached out a hand to help her up. “Good morning, you clumsy dork,” she said with that trademark warm smile. Anna’s heart fluttered as she took her sister’s hand. Something in the way her sister shuddered when she did told the redhead that something was up with Elsa. However, she tucked that thought away for later, as church was imminent, and there was little time for pondering during the service. 

As usual, it was an uneventful service, save for the _Our Father_ prayer. For some reason, right afterwards, Elsa seemed completely zoned out, and excused herself to the bathroom. Anna knew her parents heavily looked down upon leaving during the service. Something was definitely going on with Elsa. _Could something have happened at the party?_ It was certainly possible. Though she couldn’t remember all of last night, she did remember leaving, and how abrupt it was. 

When they finally arrived back home, Elsa made straight for her room, barely stopping to even take her shoes off. Anna was more than a little disappointed. She was hoping that they could maybe talk about the party, seeing as something clearly happened. Besides, Elsa trusted her, right? They were sisters. They could talk about anything together. Anna knew Elsa was reserved, though, and wouldn’t take well to a direct questioning. So, she decided to start with a different approach.

The redhead found her way to her sister’s door and gave it three sharp knocks. Anna waited for not even a minute before she called out, “Elsaaaaa come out of your cave and help me pick out outfits for the week!” It was something they’d done most weekends, when Elsa could be possibly pried away from her homework. This time, though, Anna wouldn’t take that for an answer. 

The expected response came quickly. “I can’t, I’m sorry. I have too much to do.”

“Well then come work in my room! I’ve barely seen you all day!” This was also pretty typical. It almost felt like a practiced routine at this point for Anna.

She waited for another solid minute, before calling, “Well? Are you coming or not?”

The door opened abruptly, and Elsa stood right in front of Anna, still wearing exactly what she’d wore to church. The blonde was just barely taller than the redhead; Anna always had to look up slightly. This time, she looked up and smiled wide.

“Yay! I hope you’re feeling better!” squealed Anna, giving her sister a squeeze.

“I’m alright. Honestly, it would do me good to get out of my cave.” Elsa’s expression was unreadable. Anna thought there might be a hint of sadness.

Still, she led Elsa back into her room. “That’s what I thought! Alright, come on, I already have some outfits laid out.”

It took her only moments to clear a space for Elsa on the bed, and she subsequently started stripping off her clothes. As she did, the excitement started to pour out of her in the form of words.

“Alright, okay, so, Monday is the beginning of the week of course, so I want something that makes a big impact. Start it off right, y’know. So I was thinking we could do this loose purple lace top with a black cami underneath, and then pair it with this dark green velvet bodycon skirt, and hold on let me show you what it looks like…”

Anna was enjoying this. Her sister was always a good sounding board. This time, though, the enjoyment felt different. She felt almost like she was showing off for Elsa. There was an extra hip flick here, a slower pull there. She let herself relish in herself, and some part of her hoped her sister was doing the same. For her part, though, Elsa seemed a bit reluctant. _Is she… blushing? She looks redder than usual._ Anna stopped for a moment when she saw her sister turn her head.

“Hey, you don’t need to be all awkward like that. I’m your sister, dummy.” She quickly finished pulling on an outfit and started towards Elsa. “So how do I look?” she asked when Elsa turned back, giving her a slower pirouette.

There was no response for a few minutes. Anna had noticed her sister’s mouth hanging open slightly. “Els? You there?” Anna piped, waving a hand in front of Elsa’s face. A smirk started forming. _Is she… staring at me? Must be a good outfit._

“Y-you look great. You look good. I… need to go.” _Well that’s not the response I was expecting,_ Anna thought. 

“What’s going on? I can tell something’s wrong. You’re not good at hiding that, y’know.” Something was absolutely going on. Church and now this. Usually, when she got Elsa out of her cave, she would at least stay out for longer than ten minutes. 

Elsa looked down. She looked more embarrassed than Anna had ever seen her. “I… I can’t talk about it right now. I need to be alone.” She started towards the door.

Anna reached out and took her hand, stopping her. “Elsa. I’m your sister. You can trust me with anything.” Her sister was retreating. She was getting sick of it. Her fingers grasped her sister’s soft hand tighter.

Elsa’s eyes met Anna’s. Though she hid it well, Anna could read that embarrassment she saw earlier paired with sadness. Whatever it was, she knew that if Elsa would just let her in, she could help. “I can’t. Not right now.” _Like Elsa would ever let me in._

Still, she kept hoping against hope. “Later, then? Once you’ve got it figured out a little more?” 

Her sister’s response came slowly. “Later. I promise.” It was about as good as she could ask for. Elsa’s gaze lingered on her for a few more moments, then she disappeared back into her own room. Anna’s heart thumped with emotions she wouldn’t be able to explain for years. Once again, after years of the same, she was staring at a closed door. 

She didn’t see Elsa again for the rest of the evening. She didn’t even come down to dinner, which had happened only twice before. Anna did her best to focus on what homework she had, but her mind kept wandering to her sister. Worry overtook her. She set her pencil down and laid on the bed, hoping to think about anything else. Alas, it was not to be. In between lightning strikes of worry and sadness, Elsa’s beautiful face kept popping up. _This is normal, right? I’m just worried about her._ Anna breathed in deep. _I hope she’s okay. If anything happened to Elsa… I don’t know what I’d do. If someone hurt her I’d hurt them back. Even though she barely talks to me._

After dinner, she chanced another missive, this time less direct. “Whatever you’re going through, I’ll always be there for you. <3” A text message was enough for now. Elsa said she just needed time. Well, Anna could wait. She was patient. She would wait for her sister for as long as it took.


	17. Stopping Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEAVY SUICIDAL IDEATION/ATTEMPT WARNING. This is not a major character death fic, nobody actually dies, but there is very heavy suicidal ideation in this chapter and some in a couple upcoming chapters.

When Elsa awoke, she stared up at the translucent blue dome around her, and she started to panic slightly, before she remembered what had happened the night before. As sleep slowly left her, she realized she was actually shivering. It was quite rare for Elsa to get uncomfortably cold. The blonde brought herself to a sitting position, examining the cage she’d made for herself. 

_It is a cage, isn’t it?_ Snow asked.

Right. Snow. The little asshole in her head. What restless sleep she’d gotten had left her mind stuck on Anna, and she’d almost forgotten that she’d apparently become crazy.

 _I promise you’re not crazy. Well, not any more crazy than anyone else._

Elsa rolled her eyes. _Says the literal voice in my head._

 _Hun, if you still believe I’m just a voice in your head, then maybe you are crazy._ Snow really liked their cryptic messages.

She shook her head intensely, bringing her back to the present moment. Voices inside her head were, remarkably, the least of her worries at the moment. With a quick flick of her wrist, a hole opened up in the side of the frozen sphere, and she slipped out into the dark basement. Even without the floodlight, she knew the layout of the basement well enough to find the opening in the ceiling. _It’s a shame we have to leave._ Though she didn’t have many certainties left in her life, that remained. 

Elsa ambled up to her apartment with barely a hint of determination. With her world completely upturned in a matter of days, with no real direction or purpose, she simply resorted to what she knew. At least before, when she was running, she had some sort of _reason_ for it, albeit a weak one. She needed to hide, leave a trail so convoluted that nobody, not even someone who knew her better than she knew herself, could follow. So she kept moving, and moving, and changing addresses and cities and states. She’d even gone as far as to use a fake ID in a number of locations, at least until the bars had stopped carding her. Her income was largely under the table as well, leaving any pursuers with absolutely no clues. 

Which left her with yet another biting question as she glided into her apartment. _How did Anna find me?_ Rooting through her clothes to pack a suitcase, she rooted through the previous day in much the same manner, trying to find anything that _didn’t_ bring more confusion or sadness. The clothes in her dresser barely but exactly fit into the large suitcase she kept for this exact situation, and she moved on to the kitchen, packing any non-perishable food into a cardboard box. Her motions were automatic, as her mind was entirely elsewhere.

In less than an hour, she was fully packed, with a route to a small town just outside of Kansas City planned out. Unfortunately, she hadn’t had the same success mentally. She was left with piles of questions and dead-end emotions, simmering fires that would burn through her sooner rather than later. Having packed faster than she planned, she allowed herself a moment to sit down on the couch in the living room, staring out through the windows over the city. 

Anna had come into her life once more, burnt a gaping hole in her heart, then disappeared. It was a perfect metaphor, really. She built her solitary palace of ice, warding herself off from anyone she might hurt. Because, well. She was dangerous. She could hurt people, not just physically, but emotionally. She _has_ hurt people. The jagged blue walls weren’t for her protection. _Emotional wounds hurt more than physical ones._

And then her stupid, breathtaking, _perfect_ sister had waltzed back into her life again, somehow following the trail she had so meticulously hidden, right up to the doors of her palace. Elsa was, in turn, stupid enough to open up the tremendous blue doors. She could feel the painstaking work she’d put into her palace’s defenses begin to melt away almost immediately under Anna’s fiery gaze. And then she left. And Elsa was stuck with a palace full of holes, burnt through by her little sister, with that singular look. Her defenses were no more. Worse, her _purpose_ was no more. 

_And now look at you. An incestuous creep, once again on the run, but this time, your secret’s out._

Elsa was too tied up in Anna to reply to Snow, so she just let them continue.

 _I really want to know what you thought would happen. Especially with that whole makeup and outfit routine._ She’d laid down on the couch now, resigning herself. _You didn’t… you didn’t actually think she might like you back?_

She tried to say and think nothing, but in the back of her mind, she knew Snow was right. She had hoped for the best case scenario, and what had happened was the exact opposite.

_Oh, my god. You actually did. Excuse me while I go laugh at you for being an idiot._

Elsa had to admit, that did sound like a pretty good idea at the moment. So, with a part of her dumbfounded at what was happening, she just started laughing. It came in stilted, awkward chortles, cutting off every couple of seconds. Eventually, the laughter was joined by tears. Laying completely flat on the couch, she would giggle for a little bit, then heave out a few tense breaths, followed by a sob, which often blended its way back into laughter. God, she was so absolutely dense. Seven years of running, pissed down the toilet over a couple hours of weakness. All for a hope that would never, ever come true, no matter how hard she wished. The simple look on Anna’s face told her that, plain as day. 

_See? I told you. I was right from the very beginning. Sisters don’t love each other like that._ Even though she admitted they were right, she hated how smug Snow was. _Just… listen to me a little more often. If you did, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess._

 _Thump_ . Elsa had brought her fist down onto the couch cushion, next to her thigh. _God, will you shut up?_ she asked Snow. _I know you’re right. You don’t need to rub it in._

 _Well, if you know I’m right, then what’s this hiding down here?_ No. No, they didn’t need to go there right now. Probably not ever. _It looks like… hope?_

Elsa winced as her last remaining shreds of hope were dragged out into the sunlight. Somehow, through the entire ordeal with her sister, a small part of it had remained intact. A bright, shining weave of orange and yellow and violet, tugging on the hole in her heart, crying out to fill it. Unbeknownst to her conscious mind, it was one of few things standing between where she was now and total, utter despair. She stared up at the ceiling as Snow went on.

 _This isn’t just like, regular, we-might-see-our-sister again hope, is it?_ It was a rhetorical question. _You still… you still think she might be able to love you someday. How absolutely pathetic._

Elsa couldn’t help but agree. It was pathetic. _She_ was pathetic. A sad, weird, lonely girl who was obsessed with her sister. Honestly, she didn’t even need Snow to tell her that. She’d known it since the day she ran. Snow just helped her admit it to herself. 

_Maybe… you’re just right. About everything._

_It took you this long to notice, huh?_ She was starting to even get used to their constant smugness. _Maybe we can listen to me more from here on out._

Elsa nodded, almost imperceptibly. She didn’t know why she made a physical move when she was talking to the other person inside her head. Regardless, she was accepting a simple fact: Snow was right. 

When she accepted this, the last remaining shard of hope dissipated completely.

* * *

Elsa awoke again, staring up at the ceiling of her living room. Unlike the last time she’d woken up on the couch, there was no confusion. She didn’t really have it in her at the moment. Slowly, she moved to rub the sleep out of her eyes, forgetting that the only makeup remover she’d used were tears. Once again, however, it didn’t seem to matter. Her mascara-caked fingers dragged two black slashes across her face. With a long, exhaustive sigh, she decided she should probably get up and do… well, something.

That didn’t happen for a while. It was all she could muster to keep her breathing steady, just to keep the tears at bay. Her mind tried desperately to focus on anything other than her sister, to little avail. Every thought kept coming back to Anna, from her soft skin accented by the flush of cold, to her voice that fell upon Elsa’s ears like a siren song, to that indescribable cerulean gaze that had drawn her back in, led her to where she was now. In the five years since they last laid eyes on each other, Anna had barely changed. She was more grown, yes, having shed the last of her teenage years, but to Elsa’s eyes, she remained the same person she knew since she was a child. 

The same person she’d fallen in love with on that fateful night.

To say it _stung_ would, once again, be inaccurate. Pain this deep does not sting. It lurks deep, clutching tight onto your heart with its poisonous claws, tainting whatever may pass through. It eats at you, finding the most tender pieces of your soul, and demolishing them for its own amusement. It radiates throughout your very self, slowly but surely infecting you bit by bit, until it becomes you, and you become it, and you can do little but surrender. 

It was somewhere along that process Elsa found herself now. She had no idea what time it was, other than the fact that it was dark outside. The city lights below cast just enough luminescence to let her eyes wander the ceiling, saving her from envelopment in complete inky blackness. It left her just enough in the moment to realize that time, unfortunately, continued to move forward. Her breath hitched, and she realized she couldn’t stop the tears. Her world had ended yesterday, despite the unending persistence of the world around her. She silently wished she could go back, undo what she’d done, go back to her normal life of solitude and silence. Or, if that was too much to ask, just a way to stop time. 

_Maybe there is._

Snow was always there in the moments she needed them least. But, desperate for anything to hold onto, she took the bait.

_What do you mean?_

From inside her, she could almost feel Snow give her a slight smile. _Stopping time for everyone is impossible, obviously._ Cryptic as ever. _But just for yourself? It’s brutal, but it can be done._

Deep in the pit of Elsa’s stomach, she knew what Snow was referring to, but she pressed them a little more, just in case. _Do you want to tell me?_

_Don’t say I didn’t warn you._

Instantaneously, her suspicions were confirmed. The only way to stop time was to end it. The thought had crossed her mind only once before, in her darkest of days shortly after Anna’s first visit. Though, she always knew she wouldn’t. As long as any sliver of that brilliant entwinement of color she called hope remained inside of her, she couldn’t. No matter how dismal the circumstances, and there were no shortage of dismal circumstances, the vain hope that someday, she might come clean to a positive response disallowed her.

Well. Snow had taken care of that little problem.

But it wasn’t just Snow, was it? It was hardly them at all. They were just showing her the truth. It was her fault. She’d chanced a peek inside Pandora’s Box, all because of that hope, and there was no putting what came out back in. 

As her sobs stiffened back into numbness, Elsa began to realize how meaningless that hope had been all along. It wasn’t as though she could’ve said different words, acted differently, been different. The outcome was always going to be the same. Her sister would never love her the same way she loved Anna. It didn’t even matter that it was worse, now. She was doomed from the start.

Elsa stared blankly into Snow’s suggestion and shuddered when she realized that she wasn’t scared of it. With a newfound detached clarity, she set herself upright on the couch, glancing around the apartment she’d tentatively called home for the past year. Though it was the longest she’d spent in any one place, she felt no attachment. The sparse decoration, if one could call the generic paintings that hung on the wall decoration, spoke little to her true aesthetic sensibilities. If she was honest with herself, she wasn’t sure of her aesthetic sensibilities. The time to develop such a thing had never really presented itself. The end result was that the places she’d lived never really felt like _home_ , and she preferred it that way.

Now strangely devoid of the blue pit in her stomach, devoid of any color at all, Elsa walked through the apartment one last time, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, looking for any loose ends to tie up. The suitcase, haphazardly almost packed, laid out on the bed, waiting for the finishing touches that would never come. Her gaze lingered forlornly on the black rectangle. It was more of a home than anything else she’d had in the past seven years. The one true constant in her life. With an almost inaudible sigh, she shifted her eyes away.

They came to rest on the picture of Anna sitting on the dresser. She mentally braced for an icicle of blue to stab her heart, but it never came. There was no more color. The redhead inside the oval frame may as well have been a stranger. 

_She had been for the past seven years, and she will be until we die._

If Elsa hadn’t been certain before then, she was now. There was no longer any point spending time in this apartment. Gracefully, serenely, she strode out of her apartment and into the elevator, her last ride down. At this time of night, she was the only passenger. The silvery metallic insides of the box weren’t opaque enough to prevent a mirror effect, and Elsa caught a glimpse of her mascara-and-tear-streaked face. A small giggle welled up inside of her. 

_I look a little ridiculous._

Snow’s voice seemed oddly… wistful? _Few people look good on their way to death._

The elevator door opened with a _ding_ and she stepped into the lobby, scanning for any signs of life. To her relief, she found none. They’d probably have come up to her and started a whole “Are you okay, miss?” routine. Her shoulder crashed into the door as she pushed through, leading her out into the cold night air.

She wasn’t really sure what time it was, but it was apparently late enough for most of the city to be asleep. Somewhere in her mind, she realized she also didn’t know exactly how many days it had been since she spoke with Anna. Though she was still stained with the makeup from that evening, the broken cycles of depressive sleep and lonesome wakefulness had lasted nearly three days. Even during the week, the buses didn’t run this late/early, not that she’d have wanted to get on one. Her legs knew exactly where to carry her, though.

After nearly an hour of walking, the sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon, casting the sky’s midnight blue against the hint of golden orange rays. Elsa had nearly reached the edge of the city, coming to an unfamiliar section of a familiar river. The sidewalk extended onto the bridge that crossed said river, a reinforced steel structure that rose some hundreds of feet above the rushing waters. This section of the river was much wider than their previous meeting place, and the valley much deeper. 

It was exactly what she needed.

With the only purpose remaining in her, she walked out onto the bridge, stopping about halfway across. The river flowed freely beneath her, carrying the weight of the meeting from days ago. Not only would it ease her suffering, free her from this nothing; it would be poetic. Steady breaths accompanied her as she crawled over the railing, feet resting on the precipice. Even now, she couldn’t bring herself to look down at the river. The water held too much memory.

_Hey._

Snow again. Of course. _What do you want._

Their voice carried that same slightly sad sound from a bit ago. _I know I suggested it, but we… don’t have to do this._

Elsa couldn’t help but laugh. _You’re the logical, realistic side of me, right?_

_As far as I’m aware._

_Do you see any logical, realistic way forward?_ She asked. _Is there any logical, realistic way out of this pain?_

She waited for a moment.

_I didn’t think so. This may have been your suggestion, but it’s my decision._

With one final breath, she closed her eyes and let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well uh sorry for how heavy this chapter turned out. Elsa's really not having a good time. she'll be okay though, I promise! as always, thank you for reading!!


	18. Leave a Voicemail

“Okay, so, your sister loves you, like, she wants to kiss you?” Olaf clarified. “Not just like, she’s your sister and she loves you?”

Anna nodded before taking a sip out of the plain white mug. She hadn’t slept particularly well the previous night, and the hotel’s shitty coffee was just what she needed. “I mean, I’m like, pretty sure. If it was just regular sisterly love, I don’t think she would’ve made such a big deal out of it.”

Olaf leaned back in his chair. “Yeah, that does make sense. I don’t think I have any brothers or sisters, but if I did, and one of them ran away for seven years because they loved me like a regular brother, I would be a liiiiiittle weirded out.”

The redhead stifled a giggle. Leave it to Olaf to understate the gravity of a situation. 

“So… uh…” Olaf started. “How are you feeling about it?”

Anna blinked. She knew that question would come up, but she still didn’t know how to answer it. “Not… bad…?”

“Well that’s good. Is that good? Not bad usually means good, right?”

“I honestly don’t know, Olaf, I really don’t,” said Anna. “I was kind of expecting to feel bad? Like, that’s not a thing that’s like, okay, y’know? So I probably should be feeling bad about it. But like, I’m not. And that itself kinda makes me feel bad? Like I know I  _ should _ feel bad, but I don’t, and the fact that I don’t when I should feels bad? It’s weird and it’s like, kinda fucking me up. But at least she doesn’t hate me, I guess?”

“She doesn’t! It would be really weird if you loved someone and hated them at the same time. Glad that’s not the case.”

Anna took another long sip as she tried to put her thoughts in order. She’d been trying to do that all night to no avail. Never before in her life had such a dance of hues shook her heart. Passionate red streaked out of her, accompanied by golden orange, metallic silver, and an altogether unfamiliar warm violet. On the other hand, bundled in with that package was a deep grey shame that she couldn’t identify the source of. It felt as though it was borne out of the power of the other colors, a gut reaction to their mere presence. 

“So are you gonna try and talk to her again?”

Her head shook in surprise. “What?”

“Like, Elsa. Are you gonna talk to Elsa again?” Olaf asked a second time. “Cuz from what it sounds like, it’s probably your job to make contact now.”

She swallowed, her throat feeling dry. “I… I might. I-I mean I will. I think. In a bit. I need to have something to say first, probably,” she said, trailing off. 

“Okay, well, you should probably do that sooner rather than later?” Olaf said. “She’s got a tendency to disappear, in case you forgot.”

Another long sip. “Trust me, I haven’t forgotten.”

“She’s probably on her way out of town already.”

“I know, Olaf.”

“So you probably should--”

“I KNOW.” She punctuated the last word by slamming her empty cup onto the table. A minute ring of embers spat out from the mug. “I-I’m sorry,” she apologized, seeing the scared look on the man’s face. “I didn’t mean to do that. I just… I know how she can be, but I also don’t really know how I’m feeling about this at all. I really just… need to think about it.”

Olaf nodded. “Okay, well, take your time!” he said. “‘Not Bad’ is a pretty good start.”

Anna nodded. She was grateful for the big oaf. “I need more coffee.”

“Oooh, me too. That stuff was good.”

* * *

The chainsaw snoring from the bed next to hers wasn’t the only thing keeping her awake. Normally, she would sleep right through it. In fact, she’d slept right through alarms so many times when she was a kid that her parents had to buy her an old-fashioned clock with actual ringing bells. It was sitting on the hotel nightstand now, dutifully ready to pierce the air when the appointed hour came. She giggled softly to herself as she remembered the first night she got it. It was all analog, no digital, and she was  _ pretty sure _ she’d set the alarm time right. Until 3:05 am. The clock had shrieked so loudly in the dead of night that her entire family had woken up, and she remembered the look on Elsa’s face to this very day.  _ Priceless. Worth it. _

Even when she was mad, Elsa was still cute.

Anna threw herself back onto the bed and chastised herself. Ever since their meeting, those thoughts had been creeping in. Thoughts she knew she shouldn’t have. Thoughts she’d had for years that she’d never examined closely, just assuming that they were normal.  _ Everyone thinks their sisters are beautiful, right? Because you love them.  _ As a teenager, with Elsa around, they were so commonplace they felt perfectly normal. As an adult, with Elsa gone, they’d been replaced by sadness, by confusion, by longing. So, she hadn’t considered them until yesterday. And the more she considered them, the more she realized that they probably weren’t normal.

And that scared her. 

She pushed her head under the pillow, trying to drown out the ruckus in order to think straight. Not that she had at any point in the past thirty-six hours. The muffling only served to amplify her pounding heart, which itself had been amplified by the four cups of coffee she’d drank earlier in the day. With each beat, she felt a new color pulse through her veins. Red. Blue. Orange. Grey. Silver. Green.

Violet.

Her heart skipped a beat, letting that warm violet reside in her for a moment too long. It had found its foothold, and it wasn’t planning on making its exit anytime soon. She’d spent so long trying to think, to process, to figure out, that she couldn’t bring herself to listen to her emotions. Even through the jumbled mess of color, even with the heavy grey shame holding it back, her emotions were telling her everything she needed to know, and she refused to listen. It terrified her. 

Morning came all too quickly. What little sleep Anna did get was upset by images of her sister, pulsing sensations of orange and violet. Elsa’s face, at her most vulnerable. Those deep, tear-stained ocean eyes, filled with sadness and regret and fear and  _ hope. _ As the alarm clock violently yanked her out of sleep, she started to realize what she’d done by running. What she’d done to her sister, who for the first time in seven years, was opening up to her. She had done the exact same thing Elsa did.

She sat bolt upright in bed. “Olaf.”

Somehow, the man was snoring through even the piercing shrieks of the alarm bells. Anna leaned over and gave him a light shove. “Olaf, wake up.”

The man stirred, slowly at first. “Mnuh… huh? Muhhhh….”

“Olaf!”

“Buhguhh!?” Suddenly Olaf was sitting bolt upright as well, spurred by the urgent tone in Anna’s voice. “Anna? What is it?”

“I need to talk to Elsa.”

Olaf rubbed his eyes. “Took you long enough. Didja figure out what you’re gonna say?”

“I… not… really…” Anna stumbled. “But that doesn’t matter, I just know I need to talk to her!”

“Well, that works for me!” the man said. “What are you waiting for?”

The redhead, even on precious few hours of sleep, scrambled over herself to find her phone. The number at the top of the recent calls, though unfamiliar, was exactly the one she wanted. Her breaths deepened as she tried to steady herself. Before she was completely ready, though, her thumb twitched, and started the call.

_ Rrrrring. Rrrrrring. _

She’d evened out her breathing and mentally prepared to hear Elsa’s “hello”. 

_ Rrrrring. Rrrrrring. _

She tried to think of how she was going to respond.

_ Rrrrring. Rrrrrring. _

She… started to worry a bit.

_ Rrrrring. Rrrrrring. _

Was Elsa going to pick up? Was she busy?

_ Rrrrring. Rrrrrring. _

...Did Elsa not want to talk to her?

_ Rrrrring. Rrrrrr- _

“Hello. I’m not able to answer the phone at the moment. Please leave your--”

“Fuck!” Anna exclaimed, throwing the phone down.

“Woah, everything okay?” asked Olaf.

“It went to voicemail! Why did it go to voicemail?!”

“Shh, shhh, it’s okay! She’s probably still asleep or something.” Olaf was doing his best to comfort her. “It is only… almost noon.”

“Shit,” Anna swore again under her breath. 

“Try again in a bit maybe?” he suggested.

“Yeah. Yeah I can do that. Shit. Okay. You’re gonna be fine, Anna.” She was now trying--and failing--to comfort herself. “Okay. I need coffee.”

The morning ritual of bitter black bean water didn’t really help her anxious state. Neither did the creeping realization that her flight back home was tomorrow morning. Solid red-eye, 6:40am board time. If she got on that plane, she knew she’d never see Elsa again. Her heart told her that was unacceptable.

Almost exactly one hour after her first attempt, she tried again. To her utter dismay, the same sequence repeated itself. She tried two more times in rapid succession, with an unchanging outcome. With a sigh, she resorted to firing off a text.

_ Elsa. It’s Anna. Your sister Anna. I love you and I want to talk to you. I’m not upset. Please call me back. _

The day continued on without a word from Elsa. Every hour or so, sometimes more often, Anna would shoot a frenzy of calls and texts to her sister, in a vain hope at communication. Each time, she was met with absolute radio silence. Olaf did his best to distract her, taking her around to some of the coffee shops and stores he’d visited, but Anna’s mind was singular. Nothing could divorce her thoughts from her sister, and as the day wore on, she grew sadder and more desperate. By the end of the day, she felt like a zombie, stumbling through a world with naught but one purpose. 

The pair stumbled back into the motel room defeated, realizing that they needed to have at least some sleep before their flight. For the first time in forever, Olaf had to be the responsible one and call for lights out. Anna attempted one last call, right before bed. At this point, her voice was broken and hoarse from holding in tears all day. When the voicemail message rolled around, this time she let it play, deciding to finally leave a message.

“Hey. It’s Anna. Your sister. I’m leaving early tomorrow morning. Uhhh _ cough _ mmm. Flying back home. Please… please stop me from getting on that flight.” Her voice quieted to a whisper as she finished that sentence. “Please. I love you.”

She hung up before any more sobs could be recorded, and immediately broke down wailing. All of the sadness she’d been keeping in throughout the day, held back by hope, was now let loose, and it overwhelmed her senses, bending her onto the bed. She wept into the pillow, long after Olaf had begun his chainsaw snoring. All through the night, she had only one thought in her mind:  _ I fucked up. I shouldn’t have run. _

The accursed alarm clock rang before she’d had a chance to even pass out. No self-respecting person would ever get up before 4am without good reason, and unfortunately, a flight is a good reason. Her eyes red, not from sleep but from tears, she started going through all the motions, feeling so empty and blue. One last check of her phone told her she wasn’t going to be hearing from her sister. She was getting on the plane. 

Olaf had the decency to handle checking out of the motel. Few people paid Anna more than a passing glance. Anybody awake at this time looked similarly haggard. Luggage in tow, Olaf took the driver’s seat of the rental car, leaving Anna at least a small bit more time to try and sleep. As they drove outwards from the city, the sun began to peek over the horizon, casting the sky’s midnight blue against the hint of golden orange rays. Their route brought them to a bridge over a river. Unbeknownst to Anna, this was the same river she had met her sister by a few days prior. 

As they drove up to the bridge, Anna noticed there was a figure on the sidewalk, almost halfway across the bridge. The figure came into clearer view as they approached, eventually revealing white-blonde locks. Anna’s heart stopped. 

“Olaf, stop the car.”

“What? Stop the car? We’re already probably gonna be late, I can’t-”

Anna’s voice was commanding. “STOP THE CAR.”

Olaf slammed on the brakes, skidding off to the shoulder. Fortunately, there were few cars out this time of morning. Before the car even fully came to a stop, Anna had ejected herself out the door, heart singing, veins pulsing, unable to believe what was happening. It was Elsa. She was going to see her sister at least one last time before--

Wait.

The blonde wasn’t on the sidewalk. Her lanky arms were threaded against the railing, the lower half of her body was obscured. Anna’s eyes widened as she realized what was happening, and finding herself unable to shout, she dashed across the street without even giving thought to traffic. Miraculously, she made it to the median, and then all the way across, without being hit. Her momentum carried her onto the sidewalk, right behind Elsa, and she did the only thing she could in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't got too much to say about this one. I think we're nearing the end, maybe a few more chapters to go.
> 
> I've also begun a new work, much more E-rated. that'll be going up.... honestly, whenever I have a reasonable first chapter. what even is time anymore


	19. The Bridge

Elsa had expected it to hurt. She’d never had such a fall, but she assumed that it wouldn’t be pleasant. Compared to the pain her heart felt, though, she figured it would be a small price to pay. She’d accepted it in the apartment, and prepared for it on the walk.

So when the next sensation she felt were two soft arms wrapping around her, she was more than a little confused. Was it the touch of the devil? The arms of God? The embrace of an angel?

Her eyes opened involuntarily, and they gazed out over the river, still hundreds of feet below. She looked down and saw a pair of human arms, small but strong, wrapped around her shoulders. Someone was holding her in place, anchoring her to this world she’d rejected. Slowly, she began to realize that pair of arms was attached to a body, and the top half of that body was pressed up against her back, over the railing. With her next breath, she let out a quiet, dumbfounded “...wha…”

It was a soft voice, stained by sadness, that answered. “I’m not letting you go. Ever again.”

Millenia could pass, empires could rise and fall, planets could crumble to dust, and she would still know that voice. The apathy that had given her the strength to go through with this began to dissolve.

“A...Anna?” 

“Of course it’s... _sniff_ … me, dummy.” She was… crying? Why? 

The conviction she had was fading. “P-please… let me go, Anna. I...I can’t…”

Her sister responded by squeezing tighter. 

“I can’t, I-I can’t, Anna--” Words kept falling out of her, broken and scarred. Explosive color lurked just below the surface of apathy. “I can’t... d-do this anymore. I need t-to go.” A thin layer of ice started to build between them. _Hopefully enough to let me go._

Anna cried into the back of her shoulders. She could start to feel the dampness from her tears. “You’re not…” a stuttered breath, “...going anywhere.” The ice was melting as fast as it was growing. Anna’s arms felt heated.

She felt her last chance slipping away. _Why is she stopping me? She hates me._ With her last remaining shreds of conviction, she uttered, “I… I deserve this. I’ve hurt you too much for things to be okay.” The color started to peek through the film, and she felt the sobs coming. “Please, just let me go.”

Anna’s words to her were punctuated every so often by a short breath. “I will drag you… over this goddamn railing… by myself… if I have to.”

And for the third time since leaving home seven years ago, Elsa broke down in her sister’s arms. The numb apathy was gone, emptiness replaced by a thousand hues, each more brilliant and devastating than the last. Sadness, anger, regret, loneliness, fear, each passed by in a dizzying streak, leaving her nothing more than a sobbing mess. Her arms reached up to grasp Anna’s, and she felt her sister’s embrace full of one thing more than any other: love. Anna cried with her, and Elsa felt their shared pain, their distance, their history, entwine in that single moment.

After minutes that felt like hours, with the storm still raging, Elsa had to ask the one question that was burning a hole in her heart. “W...Why?” she stuttered. “Why did you… save me?”

She felt the redhead shake her head into her back. “Over the railing first.” She was almost whispering, but her voice still bore a tender heart. “C’mon.”

Anna relaxed her grip slightly, and Elsa pushed herself up onto the railing, turned slightly, and swung her feet around onto solid ground. She wouldn’t be dying today. 

Elsa had turned just enough to meet her sister’s gaze. With glassy eyes and a heavy heart, she asked the same question again, with slightly different wording. “Why do you... not hate me?”

Anna’s eyes, red and puffy from crying so much, still carried nothing but love upon their gaze. “Because,” she said with all the hope she could muster. “I’m your sister. No matter how hard it gets, I’m always gonna love you.”

“But _how,_ ” Elsa gasped through sobs. “How can you love me after all I’ve done to you? How can you love me when you know how I love you?” Her voice was hoarse. “How can you love someone this… vile?”

The redhead’s answer was to pull Elsa into a tight embrace, a hand on the back of her head. “Don’t you _ever_ call yourself that again.” 

She held her older sister while she cried. The sun had long since cracked the sky, and the bridge was illuminated in radiant golden yellows, painting the pair as one against the river. The gap had been closed. Seven years apart, now entirely behind them. Anna knew she would never let go again. Elsa couldn’t understand why, not yet. She pulled back, staring deep into her sister’s cerulean gaze, only able to repeat her question in its most basic form.

“...Why?”

By this point, Anna had composed herself enough for a real answer, or at least, an attempt. “Because, I… I shouldn’t have run when you told me, I’m so sorry. I’m beyond sorry. I kept pushing, and pushing, and when I finally got what I want, you told me exactly what I wanted, and I ran, and that was really not okay. I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to. I mean like, I didn’t really know what to do. I’m so happy you told me, though. I mean, I wasn’t, in the moment. I didn’t really know how I felt in the moment. You probably get it, right? Like, I think you probably know what it’s like to realize that like, you like, _like_ your sister? So like, I had to think about it for a while, and figure shit out, and then _that_ wasn’t going anywhere, because surprise, you can’t think yourself out of feelings, so I started listening to my feelings, and then I called you like forty times, and I--”

Elsa stared, barely keeping up with the redhead’s mile-a-minute speech. She caught the apology, that much was clear. Anna didn’t hate her. She understood that too. What she couldn’t follow, in the flurry of words spilling out of her sister, was _why._ Anna had to be disgusted. After all, Elsa was disgusted. Snow was even more realistic, and they were disgusted. Elsa watched her sister talk for a while longer, completely lost, before she interrupted.

“Anna…” Her younger sister halted, realizing she was in one of her classic rambles. “I’m… I’m really glad you don’t hate me. Astounded, honestly. I just…” She sighed, trying to find the right words. “I’m… I’m attracted to you. And that hasn’t gone away in seven years apart. I don’t understand how you can be okay with that.”

Anna took a deep breath, and the blonde’s hands in hers. “Because I love you. Okay? I love you, Elsa. I always have, and I always will.”

Elsa yanked away her hands in frustration. “No, don’t you get it? I’m _vile_! I’m _sick!_ This isn’t something that I can be okay with doing to you!”

“No, Elsa, I--”

“I’m sorry, Anna, I’m so sorry, I never should have told you, I--”

“Elsa.”

“This is why I kept it from you, I’m dangerous--”

“Elsa!”

“What?!”

Soft lips met soft, pink lips. Anna was against her, delicate and loving, one hand gently tilting Elsa’s chin into place, the other curled around her waist. The kiss was ever so light, a mere initiation, a hand extended in the dark. Elsa didn’t realize what exactly had happened until Anna pulled away slowly, but not too far. Still holding her older sister in her arms, their eyes met, turquoise against sapphire. That one look communicated everything Elsa needed to know. Her question had been answered. 

Still, Anna spoke to confirm it. “I love you, dummy.” Her face bore a warm smile. “I always have. I just didn’t realize how much.”

Baffled was an understatement. Dumbfounded didn’t begin to cover it. Stunned was just the tip of the iceberg. That small, momentary kiss was a dynamite blast, opening a cave filled with buried hope. Elsa had prepared herself for many, many things in life, and had even imagined similar moments in flashes of wonder, but the reality was utterly monumental. That luminous fusion of bright red, golden yellow, and warm violet streaked through her, suffocating the horrid blue that had held her in its grip for so long. Words failed to even cross her mind, and when she leaned in again, she made sure it would last.

And last it did. Against the radiance of the sun, with no force in the world that could separate them, the two became one, seven years of sadness and regret and yearning transfixed into a single moment. They were each slow and loving; it began with a series of short pecks, as if each one were testing the other, eventually falling into a long, deep, passionate kiss. They were two lovers reuniting after years apart, though they didn’t know it until seconds ago. Anna’s hand gently held the back of Elsa’s head, and the blonde’s arms wrapped tightly around the redhead’s waist, holding them together in time as well as space. Through their lips, without words, they spoke a love so profound to one another that only they would understand.

This time, when at last they pulled away, it was Elsa’s turn to smile. With teary, mascara-streaked eyes, she whispered, “I never thought I would get to do that.” Anna looked back at her, awestruck by the grace her sister possessed, even in her tattered state. It was as though she were an angel, unbothered by the affects and imperfections a human existence brought. 

“I….I dreamed about this, a few times,” Anna managed after a moment. “Never really thought much about it, because, y’know, dreams.” A pause as she looked up, then back to Elsa. “But… Wow. That was magical.”

Elsa’s small smile spread wider, eventually breaking into a giggle, then a laugh. In turn, Anna took on the confusion that had been her sister’s moments prior. “What? What’s going on? Did I say something funny? Elsa?”

Through her sister’s gasps, Anna noticed that the laughs had turned into sobs, and her sister’s cheeks were streaked with tears, yet again. Her tone became more urgent. “Elsa? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” She relaxed her arms, letting go of Elsa and pulling away, but her sister only clung tighter.

The blonde buried her head in her shoulder. Anna could feel the tears start to stain her shirt, but that was the least of her worries. Elsa was trembling in her arms, trying to speak. All she could manage was a whispered “Don’t let go.” 

So Anna didn’t. She held her older sister tighter than she ever had, like she would disappear again if she did. In the background, life continued to pass, but for the sisters, time stood completely still. It occurred to neither of them that passers-by might stare or jump to conclusions. Even when Olaf finally made his way over, Anna just waved him away. “Go home,” she said as softly as she could. “I’ll catch up with you later. Don’t worry about us.”

The only time Anna let go of Elsa was for a second while getting into the Uber. The only time Elsa spoke before getting to her apartment was giving Anna the address. The driver shot them weird looks a number of times, but each one just rolled off. The two other people in the elevator on the ride up also gave Elsa worried looks, particularly after an audible sob. The pair stumbled into her apartment, and Elsa made it as far as the bed before collapsing. Anna followed suit, grateful for a bit of horizontal time. Before they both passed out entirely, Elsa whispered, “I love you. I’ll be okay. I promise.”

* * *

They awoke in the late afternoon, the sun already long past its peak. Elsa was up first, on her side, looking at the windows across the room. For a moment, her heart dropped, worried that it had all been a dream, but when she tried to move, a soft, heavy arm held her in place. She reached up to take the hand it was attached to, and found one she knew all too well. It hadn’t been a dream. She held it tight, squeezed it, to make sure it was real. The caress stirred the other woman in the bed, who woke somewhat less gracefully.

“Mmh… bleh. Mrrrfmngh.” A yawn followed. “Wuh…. mmmmh.” Elsa could feel the shifting behind her. “Mnnnuhhh… Where…” The redhead jolted upright. “FUCK! Where am I?” she exclaimed, before looking around and seeing who was beside her. “...Elsa?” 

The blonde had rolled over at this point to face her, and though she intended to give a reassuring smile, the sight before her made her freeze. No matter how many times she had imagined it, dreamt of it, she was not ready to see Anna waking up in her bed, next to her, again. 

_It’s been… well, more than seven years. Probably more than a decade._ A pang of sadness shot through her as she remembered exactly when they stopped sleeping in the same bed. _It was right after Mom and Dad came home early and found me trying on one of Anna’s dresses._ She tried to put it out of her mind.

“Elsa? Are you okay?” 

_Right. There’s a person in front of me._ “I’m okay. Sorry. I’m just…” She took a deep breath in, and then out. “I… yeah. Sorry. I don’t really have words.”

Anna laid back down, wrapping one arm around Elsa again. “We don’t need ‘em right now.” 

The simple, comforting touch sent Elsa’s heart into palpitations. So many pieces of her doubted what had happened in the past thirty six hours. There was no way any of this made sense. 

_Anna is here._

_Anna is here, in my bed._

_Anna is here, in my bed, with me._

After a moment, something within her stirred. _Yes, she is. I’m still trying to figure this one out, too._ Snow seemed just as confused as she was.

 _Are we dreaming?_ Elsa asked.

 _Surprisingly, no,_ was the response. _She’s actually here._

 _Wait,_ Elsa thought as she remembered all that had happened. _She was on that bridge. She saved me. She…_

 _Yeah, she did. Anna kissed you._ It was nice that Snow didn’t seem upset about it. _And not like a friendly, sister kiss, or anything. You two were full on making out._

Anna was, somehow, already fast asleep again. Elsa knew she couldn’t follow suit. _We were. We did. What… the fuck?_

 _Been asking myself the same thing._ _I…_ Snow trailed off. _I suppose I should apologize._

 _What? Apologize?_ Her confusion was due more to the idea that Snow wanted to apologize, rather than what for. 

_Apologize. As in, I’m sorry. Because I was wrong._ Elsa was surprised again to find that it felt… genuine. _I played to the odds. I figured there was a nigh on zero percent chance that your feelings would ever be requited, and I wanted to make you accept that. So you could move on._

 _Move on?_ asked Elsa.

 _Move on. I thought we very much needed to move on. Begin some sort of life with a future, not a life running from the past. That wasn’t going to happen unless you moved on from Anna._ She had to admit, their cold logic had a solid point. _But I was wrong. And I must apologize again, because I absolutely went too far with it. I will admit, playing your foil was almost too easy, and I started to revel in it after a while. I took joy in making you feel horrible. And despite knowing that, down the line, it would hurt me too, I did it anyways. Repeatedly. So I’m extremely sorry. You didn’t deserve that._

 _Add one more thing to the pile of confounding events,_ thought Elsa. _I kinda thought you uh, hated me. Like you were the voice of my self-hatred._

 _Things aren’t usually that simple,_ came Snow’s response. _If I am anything in particular, I am your logical side. This, apparently, was a situation where logic need not apply._

 _Apparently not._ The blonde paused for a moment. _We have a lot to talk about, I think._

 _That we do. However,_ said Snow, _there are more important conversations to be had._

She turned her gaze to the woman in bed with her, then laid back down. For a few minutes, Elsa simply cherished what she was feeling, her sister’s lazy arm imparting a warm love she hadn’t felt in years. Gone was the lingering blue, the comforting loneliness that had been her only real company since she left home. Instead, she was full to bursting with that warm violet, a color only Anna could paint within her. Her mind flashed images of that fateful party night. Though most of the night remained a drunken haze, one moment was intensely vivid. Anna, turning the corner from the stairs into the main room, shirt nowhere in sight. As much as she’d tried to forget, it was burned into her brain, and for the first time, she was grateful she didn’t lose it. 

Eventually, Anna awoke again, this time much less abruptly. Elsa only noticed when the arm draped over her side squeezed her in, and all of a sudden, she found herself on the verge of tears again. However, these tears were not blue, but violet. 

“Sorry, I had to make sure you were real,” Anna said half-sheepishly. “I’ve had this same dream so many times. Waking up from those was always harder than it should’ve been.”

Elsa’s eyes were already dripping. She had no idea that a simple loving touch could evoke such a strong reaction within her. “Anna…” she started, unable to finish. Her breath stuttered.

Anna’s voice was low and full of love. “I’m here.”

There was a moment of silence as Elsa tried to choke back sobs. She shuddered under Anna’s embrace, causing the redhead to hold her closer, pressed against her body. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d even had a real hug, much less this kind of touch. “Please…” she finally whispered. “Don’t let go.”

She felt herself get squeezed in even tighter somehow. “I’m holding on tight to you and not letting go again.”

At last, she couldn’t hold it back anymore. A sob broke through her lips, followed by another. But, for the first time, these were tears of joy, of love, of happiness. Overwhelming joy was not something her body was prepared for. Once again, Anna held the blonde while she cried into her shoulder, her touch soft and gentle like only a sister could be. Though she was sick of crying, she was grateful to finally be rid of the deep blue that had for so long defined her. She could, for the first time, breathe. 

When her tears had subsided, she took that deep breath, a confirmation that everything would be okay. Her eyes raised to meet Anna’s, which shone with a fire so bright it nearly made them appear red. 

“You good?” asked the redhead. “I’ll be here as long as you need.”

Elsa nodded. “I’m okay. Better than okay. Amazing, honestly. I’m…” she paused, taking in her sister’s impeccable features. “You are beautiful.”

Anna broke her gaze, giggling. “You’ve always been such a lesbian.” 

“It’s true, though,” she retorted. “It hasn’t changed since I realized it at the party I brought you to.”

“Wait, which par...oh. OH. Like… the one at whatshisface’s house?”

Elsa nodded. “The very same.”

Anna swallowed. “The same weekend you left.”

Neither said anything for a moment. That wound was still open. “...We still have a lot to talk about, don’t we.” It was much more statement than question.

The redhead took a moment to respond. “...Yeah.”

Elsa sighed into her. “I… I don’t want to deny anything that happened. But… can we please just stay like this for a little bit longer?”

The reply came in the form of yet another tight hug, and this time, Elsa cuddled back. They fit against each other perfectly. The blonde’s head rested gently on Anna’s shoulder, while they pressed against each other, chest to chest, legs intertwining as though this was practiced. The quiet whispers of their breaths remained the only sound. Though they would each eventually succumb to sleep, both held out as long as they could, cherishing this moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew. elsa cries in like every chapter huh. once again sorry it's been a while, life never stops being crazy. i hope you enjoyed this chapter, i had a ton of fun writing it! two or three more chapters to go with this one. as always, thank you for reading!


	20. Discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.... i'm gonna try to do better than three weeks between updates. the end is in sight and I don't wanna make you (or me tbh) wait any longer than i have to. regardless, thank you for sticking with it and especially thank you to everyone who comments!! y'all inspire me and keep me going and i'm eternally grateful!!

Elsa dug in the cupboard for a pair of mugs, a thin, light blue bathrobe draped over her. Anna, sitting at the counter, took the opportunity to drink in her sister’s beauty. The robe swayed gently as her hips wiggled back and forth, stretching to reach the top shelf. The redhead sighed dreamily. She knew, from somewhere in the back of her mind, that she’d always found Elsa radiant. However, in this little unremarkable moment, she realized that mere words were not enough to describe how she felt. Elsa wasn’t just beautiful, she was the archetype of gorgeous. Each individual contour of her body led effortlessly into the next, drawing the eye across her fair skin; it was as if she were a sculpture, chiseled out of the finest material by a master artist. Heart aflutter, she watched enraptured as Elsa poured out two cups of coffee, setting one in front of her.

A gentle smile from Anna helped Elsa relax slightly. As elated as she was, as emotional as the events of the past twenty-four hours had been, there was still a palpable tension between them. Though there were incredible feelings waiting to be explored, a sadness lurked below the surface, a betrayal that demanded to be addressed. Elsa could feel the weight of it in her heart, and she wondered how Anna carried that burden. 

“This is good,” Anna muttered, going back in for a second sip. 

Elsa grinned. “It’s just from the Keurig, but thanks, I’ll take it.”

“What’s in this? It’s like, sweet, but also bitter, but not like, coffee bitter exactly.”

“Dark chocolate mocha. I save it for special occasions.”

Anna took a longer gulp, almost burning her mouth on it. “Damn, no wonder! I kinda wanna chug this.”

“Um, maybe don’t? Or at least wait ‘til it cools down some more.”

The redhead looked up at her, defiant. “I do what I want! But, in this case, you’re probably right.”

A giggle escaped Elsa’s lips. “You really haven’t changed, have you.”

“Changed?” asked Anna, with a twinge of jest. “Why would I ever do that?”

“Well, you have grown up quite a bit,” she teased. 

Anna’s smile fell, ever so slightly. “Yeah, that’s… that’s what happens when you’re away for years.”

Elsa reached a hand forward. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“Didn’t what, exactly?” Anna tried to keep her tone light, but she could feel her grief begin to get the better of her. “I think you kinda did.”

Elsa pulled her hand back, unsure of how to respond.

“I’m sorry. I know we were having a nice moment. But like…. Okay. I love you, I still love you, and that’s not gonna change.” She grasped Elsa’s hand. “But, what happened isn’t just going to go away. At this point, I don’t think I need to tell you this, but it still hurts. It hurts a lot, actually, in ways I wished I couldn’t feel. I haven’t known what to do about it since that first week.”

The younger sister paused. The wounds were clearly still open, and Elsa waited to see if now was the time to dress them. 

“I just… wait, come sit down, you don’t need to stand awkwardly across the counter.” The invitation was much like their first kiss: a reassurance that, even though it was complicated, the love was still decidedly there. “I know this is gonna be hard. But I also think it’ll be worth it.”

Elsa took a deep breath after sitting down. “I’m… I’m really scared that I hurt you too deeply. I was told once that abandoning the only person you’ve ever loved leaves behind some scars. I can’t imagine what the other side of that is like.”

Anna chuckled. “Let me tell ya, it’s not great. I, uh… I didn’t go to school for a while after that weekend.”

“Shit. I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“Sshhh. I know you’re sorry. I’m gonna try to keep that at heart while we talk about this so you don’t have to say it every two minutes. On the flipside, I need you to hold onto this: I love you. And I want to make this work, with my entire heart. It’s gonna be hard! But I think we can do it. Nobody knows me better than you.”

The blonde shifted in her seat. “You might not know me that well anymore.”

“Well…” Anna looked down. “I guess there is a lot to catch up on, huh.”

Elsa didn’t say anything for a moment. Anna stared into her coffee cup, then looked back up at her sister, who seemed to be staring off into space. “Elsa? You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m…” she said, sighing. “I’m sorry. I’m... kind of starting to think this is a bad idea. Maybe not just starting.”

“Hold on, what?”

“This is a bad idea, Anna. We both know it.”

“Excuse me??” Anna stood up, fire in her eyes. “Bad idea?! Running away was a bad idea! Not being honest with me was a bad idea! Trying to _kill yourself_ was a bad fucking idea!”

Once again, Elsa didn’t have a single word in return. She curled up, trying to make herself as small as she felt. Anna wasn’t wrong, and she’d barely begun to confront the immense guilt she held. It had eaten away at her in little pieces for years, but she’d planned on dealing with it by never dealing with it. It may not have been a great plan, but it was certainly a plan. Now, though, it was standing in front of her, staring her in the face, demanding to be dealt with, wearing the face of her sister.

The fiery redhead’s face softened. “I’m sorry for yelling. I just… I need you to understand that I’m not giving up on you. Bad idea or not, I have my sister back, and I have a chance to love the person I didn’t know I needed to love.” A soft hand gently touched Elsa’s shoulder, and she raised her head ever so slightly. “It’s time to give the thing you’ve wanted for years a chance.”

Elsa’s voice was hesitant. “...Sisters aren’t supposed to be in love.” Anna sat back down, leveling herself with Elsa. “It’s not a matter of want. We just… can’t.”

“The hell we can’t!” Anna was doing her best not to yell. “I love you. I know you love me too. We are fully grown adults who can make our own decisions, even if they might be stupid. Can’t is bullshit.” She was getting heated, and little embers began dripping off her hair. 

Silence passed over them for a moment as Anna’s words sunk in. The remorse that had nibbled at her ankles for so long had now taken a bite out of her soul. Still, even with fresh wounds, violet filled her being, pushing back against the negativity. For the first time in forever, she wouldn’t have to face it alone. The doubt, the guilt, the sadness, all of that seemed so much smaller with her sister at her side. _Maybe… we don’t have to be so small._

Elsa unfurled a little, raising her head to finally meet Anna’s gaze. Though she was fired up, her cerulean eyes carried an unmistakable love which helped steady the blonde’s inner turmoil. Just looking at Anna made her heart beat faster, and deep within her bones, she found a strength that had been missing for ages. 

The redhead gave her a hopeful look. “All I’m asking is that you give it a chance. It’s gonna be hard, but we can face the hard stuff together. You don’t have to be alone anymore, okay?”

“Okay.” Elsa’s voice was still shaky. “Okay. I can give it a shot.”

A wide smile spread across Anna’s face and she leaned forward to pull Elsa into a hug. “We’ll be okay. I promise. I won’t let you leave me again.”

Surprisingly, even to Elsa, she didn’t cry. The hug, the violet in her heart, kept her rock solid as she squeezed back, feeling a wave of gratefulness unlike any other. 

_Do you think we can trust her?_ Snow’s question caught her slightly off guard.

 _She’s my sister. Of course we can._ Somehow, despite her protestations, Elsa carried no doubt with this statement.

 _If you’re certain, I will hold us strong through the tough conversations,_ Snow offered. _And there will be tough conversations._

This was a surprise. Snow was being helpful? _You want to… help?_

 _I keep telling you, I am a part of you._ There was an honesty to their tone, that almost felt remorseful. _I screwed up because I thought you were wrong, and it almost ended very badly. I need to learn how to trust you, and your relationship with Anna will be an exercise in trust._

“Elsa? You there?"

She shook her head, coming back to the moment. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m okay.”

Anna took one of the blonde’s hands in hers. “Do you think you’re ready to talk about stuff?”

Elsa nodded and squeezed Anna’s hand. “Where do you want to start?”

“How about at the beginning?” Anna suggested. “I guess you’ve said why, but I’m also interested in how you left. What you did right after leaving. That sort of thing.”

“Well…” she started. “Remember that Sunday? I was in my room the entire afternoon and evening planning. I packed what I could, I did some math to make sure I could survive, all of that. I… I never planned on it being permanent. I had four months worth of savings, and I was originally only going to do that. I wasn’t planning on leaving immediately, either. That was because of Dad.”

Anna’s eyes widened a little. “Dad? What did he do?”

“I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something having to do with ‘my behavior’ and college. I was terrified he wasn’t going to let me go, and so I left that night on impulse.” She snorted, corners of her mouth turning up a little bit. “Ironic, considering I never actually went.”

“So… wait, hold on, you were planning on coming back? Before college was supposed to start?”

“Yeah. My initial thought was just to figure out how to deal with the feelings, and I think part of me hoped they’d just go away.”

Anna giggled. “That clearly didn’t happen.”

“No, no it didn’t.” Elsa looked down. “I actually spent the first few nights bouncing between a park and the coffee shop on Eighth. I guess I thought I could just waltz right up to an apartment complex and have a place to stay in a matter of hours.”

“You were at the coffee shop on Eighth? Fifteen minutes away from home??” Anna was incredulous. “I--you--” she sputtered, before stopping herself. “It’s past. Can’t change it. Please continue.”

The minor outburst startled Elsa, but she plowed on. “Yeah, um. Eventually I got a sublet a couple hours away, and I stayed there for that initial four months. Ummm…” She trailed off, her voice becoming very quiet. “Those were the hardest four months of my life. I know I didn’t spend a lot of time with you, especially during high school, but being completely separated was like tearing off a limb. I also didn’t have a job, or school, or anything, really. Most days were spent fighting my own emotions.” She clenched her fist. “At the end of four months, I had learned nothing, figured out nothing, and I felt like I was back at square one. So I spent a couple weeks trying to find some way to make money, and I stumbled upon some freelance web work that kept me afloat for another few months. I found another sublet, and that was the end of the original plan.”

Elsa stopped for a bit, letting Anna take it in. When no reply came, she continued.

“That was… kind of how it was for the whole seven years. I bounced from place to place, never staying anywhere for more than six months, except this one. At first, I kept telling myself I was just doing this until I felt okay to go back. Until the feelings were gone.” Her heart was pounding, but she could feel her internal companion steeling her, holding back the fear and sadness. “Somewhere along the way, though, I realized I couldn’t go back. There wasn’t any specific turning point. I think it was a gradual realization that I had put all my chips on red. So… I just kept running.”

“Elsa…” Anna said softly. “I’m so sorry. I never really thought about how you must be feeling.”

“Yeah.” Elsa swallowed. “It’s okay. I think neither of us did. At least, I didn’t until you showed up that first time. That was… I don’t know how to describe that visit. The visit itself was actually really nice, most of it. I’d missed you. I have always missed you. After, though… After you left, I don’t know how I survived. I didn’t work for a couple weeks. I missed that month’s rent and got kicked out. That was, um, also hard. I considered some pretty dark things. To be honest, it’s a miracle I’m still here.”

Anna stood and stepped away from the chairs. “Stand up.”

“Huh?” That was not the response she was expecting. 

“Come on, stand up. I got something I need to do.”

Elsa stood up reluctantly, confused, and immediately found her sister’s arms around her, clutching her as tight as she could. The blonde let out a stuttered “Wha…” 

Anna spoke into her shoulder, a little muffled. “I’m so sorry. All this time I couldn’t stop thinking about how hard this was for me. I never even considered what you were going through. I always kinda thought you liked being away. Why would you keep doing it otherwise?” She lifted her head, eyes glassy with tears. “I resented you. I thought you abandoned me to start your own life. I… kinda thought you hated me, or at least didn’t give a shit.”

Slowly, Elsa leaned into the hug, eventually trying to squeeze every bit of love she could into her sister’s small frame. “I don’t. I’ve never hated you. I couldn’t stomach the thought. I wanted so desperately to keep you safe.” Her arms were filled with a thousand apologies. “Of course I care. Not a day’s gone by since I left that I haven’t thought of you.”

A small sniffle came from the face buried in her shoulder, followed by a few more. The arms that held her clasped tighter. Even with Anna’s face shoved into her, Elsa could tell that the sniffles rapidly turned into sobs. She kept her grip steady. Internally, she snickered to herself, finally being on the other side of sobbing into someone’s arm. With the gentlest touch, her head lowered towards the top of Anna’s, planting a few small kisses in a row. 

The younger sister, still buried deep in Elsa’s shoulder, tried to stutter out some words between gasps. “I… I…” A sharp inhale. “I just… hahhhh… I kind of st-st-st-ahh… fuck,” she whispered. “I like, uh… like I said, I… I thought you hated me.” Every syllable was a challenge, fighting back against the flood welling up inside her. “So I started… God, Elsa, I’m so… so sorry… I started… hating you back…”

Elsa recoiled a bit, but kept her grip. “I… guess I can’t blame you.” It was perfectly understandable, and yet, she felt the words like a knife. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head down in shame. “I kind of hate me too.”

She felt a gentle smack on her cheek. When she opened her eyes, she was met with her younger sister, tears streaming down her face, a small but genuine smile on her lips. “Only I get to hate you.” It was barely above a whisper.

Snow had done a fantastic job keeping her together, but the dam started to break. The corner of her eye pooled until it released a single drop, rolling down her cheek. She tried, as best she could, to hold onto what Anna had said at the start of the conversation, but her words still stung like daggers. Coming face to face with all the hurt she caused her sister was never on the list. Before she choked up too much to speak, she managed to squeak, “How can you love me and hate me at the same time?”

“Like this,” came the reply, followed by the lightest kiss on her now damp cheek. “The hate can fade. The love can’t, no matter how hard either of us tries.” Her sister was apparently full of wisdom today. “So stop trying, okay?”

Elsa, once again rendered unable to talk, only nodded. After one more long embrace, filled with quiet whispers of “I love you” and “I’m sorry” and “It’s gonna be okay”, the sisters sat back down on the barstools, still holding hands. The blonde wondered for a moment how the hate Anna was feeling would dissipate. She still didn’t quite believe that it would. A word flashed in her mind, the same one that always did in tough situations: _Run._ This time, though, it felt more question than command. A question that, given the time, she wanted to sit with and deconstruct.

However, Anna interrupted her reverie with her quiet, adorable voice. “So, I guess it’s my turn now, huh?”

The older woman smiled. “It would seem so. To be honest, I’d kind of like to know how you found me, along with everything else.”

Anna paired her snort with a smile. “Yeah, uh. I’ll get to that,” she began. “I got some hard stuff to talk about first though. Are you ready for more hard stuff?”

 _Honestly… no._ “Yes.”

Anna took a deep breath. Elsa figured her sister was more prepared than she’d been. “Okay, so. I mentioned that I didn’t go to school for a while, right? Yeah. I didn’t go for two weeks. Mom and dad didn’t even really care, they were so terrified. Dad became convinced you were kidnapped, and Mom started blaming herself. I’d come downstairs late at night to find her sobbing in the kitchen, praying to God asking what she did wrong.”

Oh. Her parents.

Her parents that were now dead and she’d never get to make amends.

She was, in some small ways, ready for Anna’s pain. Though she had no plans to confront it until recently, that didn’t stop the more troublesome parts of her brain from occasionally pondering it. She could convince herself that she was hurting her sister for worthwhile reasons.

The guilt she felt towards her parents, however, pierced her heart with such abruptness that she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. The panic came back, the harsh white that she was all too familiar with. This time, there was nowhere for it to go, nowhere for her to run. She could only sit and stare. Her breath stuttered and stumbled.

“Dad eventually sturdied up, but I don’t know if Mom ever did. I stopped finding her crying in the kitchen, but that was probably because I stopped looking. I spent a lot of time in my room. Like, a _looooot_. Didn’t really talk to anyone. I started to feel like I was you for a while,” she said with a slight upturn of the lip. 

Elsa winced. _She’s really not holding back, is she._

If Anna noticed, she gave no sign. “Things did start going back to normal eventually. Or, I guess, we found a new normal? Either way, I picked gymnastics up to kind of, keep me distracted, and I ended up really liking it. Got me to make some actual friends, and reconnect with my old ones. Start talking to people again, y’know?”

“Didn’t you win a competition for it or something?” Elsa broke in.

It seemed to catch her off guard. “I… yeah, I did, back in senior year. I placed 3rd at state. How did you…”

The blonde shifted in her seat. “You told me. Back when you…” _Don’t say found me._ “...Visited for the first time.”

“I did?” Her younger sister’s face lit up. “You remember?”

Elsa pushed a smile to her face. It was a new feeling, not having to force it. “Of course.”

Immediately, Anna’s face fell. _Shit, did I say something? What happened?_ The redhead muttered, “But you couldn’t remember to call me on my birthday. Or come to my graduation. Or that I care about you deeply and that I have feelings too.”

She stared at her sister, heart back to racing. _Why is she being so… callous?_ She relayed the sentiment that had popped up minutes before. “You’re, uh… really not holding back.”

Anna was looking down. She was quiet for a moment, and Elsa’s breath caught, fearing what might come next. Apprehensively, the blonde looked at her younger sister, and the younger woman’s head turned up towards hers, revealing glassy eyes that betrayed a stoic exterior. Elsa realized that it was taking every ounce of strength in her to keep from shattering.

“I listened to you,” she said in a quiet, shaky voice, “because I wanted to know how you were feeling. I needed to know what was going on in that impassible fortress you call a brain.” Sharp breaths punctuated every pause. “And now I need you to know how I felt. We can’t cross the chasm between us without being honest.” The light glinted off the damp streaks on her cheeks. “I need you to understand how much you hurt me.”

The white hot panic showed its face yet again. Her instincts kicked in, sending the word _run_ through her veins like an electric shock. She felt herself tense up as she prepared to do so, but strangely, some unknown force held her in place. In the past, it had been… well, not _easy_ , but she did it anyway.

 _In fact, it broke our heart every time we had to,_ reminded Snow. _I think you might be fed up with it._

Elsa noticed that she had been staring at the ground for minutes on end. Deep within her, she searched for resolve and, to her surprise, found more than she knew she had. This time, she wouldn’t be running. Raising her head, she met her sister’s still-teary gaze. The only way out was through.

“Say what you need to. I don’t know how I’m going to make up for it. But I swear, I will--”

Suddenly, a finger was against her lips, followed by an unsteady yet comforting voice. “I know.” 

It took a couple moments before Anna continued.

“So. I uh… I eventually graduated. Went to college for biology, of all things. You never went, did you? Honestly, of the bad decisions you ended up making, that one probably was the smartest. College was maybe the worst four years of my life. And like, I really don’t want to rub it in, I promise, but it was even harder without my main support. That’s one of the reasons I went and found you the first time, actually. I missed my family. One of my friends had a brother who knew a friend who went to college close by where you lived, apparently, and he knew a pizza delivery girl who delivered to you a couple times.”

The blonde was experiencing emotional whiplash. The white hot inside her had barely finished dying down before her sister hit her with this incredible grapevine, and she almost cried laughing. “That’s… that’s absolutely ludicrous.” 

Anna giggled along with her. “Yeah I have no fucking clue how that happened. Just, out of the blue one day, my friend goes, ‘Hey, does your sister have blonde hair?’ and I go ‘Yeah, why?’ and then she goes ‘I think my brother knows someone who knows someone who knows her’ and then all of a sudden I have your address after two years of you being gone and I don’t know what to do about it.”

She didn’t notice it, but Elsa was holding her breath.

“I didn’t know what to do about it so much that I waited for like, a couple months before going. Even then I basically went on a whim. I guess it… could’ve gone worse? I don’t know. I still regret not staying until you told me.”

_You might’ve been waiting a long time._

“But then I kind of had to put all that aside for a while, because… well, Mom and Dad died. It was so sudden.” Her voice dropped to barely above a whisper. “I got a weird email from the old church saying to come home immediately, and I was like, ‘why didn’t Mom or Dad text me’, and I couldn’t put two and two together until I finally got back home and the place was empty.”

Empty.

Something about that word caused Elsa to understand. Her younger sister was alone. She had left, and then her parents had departed, leaving her with nothing but an empty house. When she was nineteen. Elsa could feel her eyes widening in horror, but the redhead barreled on.

“The funeral was a week after, but I stayed in a motel nearby for at least another two. I didn’t get back to school for a while, again, haha. Gotta be honest, that was the worst time in my life by a long shot. This nice older lady from the church, Gerda, I think, helped me get all the affairs in order. Oh, this was around the time the fire thing happened, too, I’ll tell you more about that later. And then…”

Anna paused for what felt like five hours. It was clearly difficult to talk about this, but Elsa was desperate to know what happened next.

“And then I found a new normal, I guess. Graduated. Moved to Philly, of all places. Worked at a café for a while, then a grocery store, then I got lucky and got a job taking care of penguins at the zoo. I met this guy named Olaf, who I thought was into me, but as it turns out he’s gay and just needed a friend. I did, too. So we started hanging out, a lot, and he started talking to me about his life, and I started talking about mine, and one day out of the blue he brings you up. He said we should go looking for you. Once again, being honest, I… didn’t want to.”

_Somehow, out of everything she’s said so far, this hurts the most._

“The last conversation we had echoed in my mind for years. You… you clearly didn’t want to see me. So I tried not to think about you. But… After Olaf suggested that, I couldn’t stop. Missing you barely described it. A piece of me was gone, and I wasn’t going to be okay until it was found.” She gave a slight chuckle. “He kept insisting that ‘you’re sisters, you can’t hate each other’ and I think I started believing him.”

“But… you just said you hate me.” 

It wasn’t a question, but Anna replied anyways. “I do, but only right now. I can’t hate you permanently. Even though that feeling is there, it’s nothing compared to the love I feel. It could never.”

Elsa was still confused. How could you hate and love someone at the same time? Especially when that person didn’t deserve that love. It just… didn’t make sense.

“You know… people are complicated. They can hold two conflicting ideas at the same time.” It was as if Anna could read her mind. “I hate you right now. I thought I had lost my sister forever, and that…” She was beset by a small sniffle. “Nobody should ever have to go through that. So yeah, I hate you. But I also know that’ll go away. Because, Elsa, I love you, I love you I love you I love you, more than I have ever been able to put into words and actions combined.”

The blonde looked down. “But I… I don’t deserve that love. Not after how much pain I caused. Just because I love you, doesn’t mean you have to love me back.”

“Oh, my god, Elsa, you are so fucking dense!” Anna imparted, with somehow not a hint of anger in sight. “I don’t just love you because you love me. I don’t even just love you because I’m your sister and that’s what sisters do.” A hand came to Elsa’s chin, tilting her gaze upwards, back towards her younger sister. “I love you because you’re you. Because you’ve always done what you think is best for me. Because every moment I spend with you feels like a treasure. Because I connect with you in ways that I haven’t been able to connect with anybody else. Because you love chocolate almost as much as I do. Because… because you’re so fucking gorgeous that every passing glance I steal from you makes my heart flip over in my chest!! God dammit Elsa, I am so in love with you and it took me too many years to realize it and I am _not_ throwing that away!”

There was nothing Elsa could do but stare dumbfounded at Anna.

“ _That’s_ why! I only hate you because of something you did. I love you because of _who you are_. There’s a world of difference between the two, and right now, I’m stuck in between. So please, work with me here, so we can make something of this, okay?”

Silence once more filled the room, punctuated only by Anna’s occasional heavy breath. Elsa couldn’t put names to what she was feeling, but she knew she was feeling a lot. Colors both familiar and unfamiliar streaked through her: orange, red, golden, violet, silver, but notably, nary a trace of blue in sight. After a moment, she realized she hadn’t been breathing.

One deep breath in, and then out, and she was ready to speak. “I… I know I’m sorry can’t make up for the damage done. If it could, I would say it until your ears got sick of it, and more. I’d take all seven years back right now with no regret if I could. I hurt you, so much, and I am so, so, so, so deeply--”

“I know.” For the umpteenth time today, Elsa was caught off guard. “The best way to apologize is changing your actions.”

“How…” she started, fairly certain she knew the answer already. “How can I do that?”

Anna looked at her once more, eyes so warm and full of love that the tears nearly returned. 

“Love me back.”

Their lips locked together, sealing their conversation with a kiss.


End file.
